Brown and Orange - Soukoku

14

Dazai's POV

After they brought Odasaku's body back to the Port Mafia for a funeral, I didn't know what to do. I had never experienced such a strong sad feeling before. I don't know how to describe it.

When I opened the door to my apartment, Chuuya was awake. He was sitting on the couch. As soon as he saw me, he started walking towards me. "I heard about Oda I'm sor-" I pushed past him.

He had a sad look on his face. He looked as if he was about to say something than stopped himself. I didn't want to deal with all this bullshit right now. I just wanted to be alone. I needed something to ease my thoughts.

I headed straight to the bathroom. I made sure to shut and lock the door behind me. I opened my cabinet and found exactly what I was searching for. A razor.

It was getting quite dull due to how often I used to use it. The silvery metal color was slightly stained with a dark red liquid. I stopped after few years ago when Chuuya came into my life.

I still do it once in a while, it's hard to stop. He just made life seem a little worth living. I rolled up my sleeves and unraveled the bandages on my arms. There were still scars from months ago, years ago. Am I really going to relapse now?

I pressed down and dragged the blade across my wrist. It was white for a few seconds before blood rushed to the top of the cut. It didn't feel like enough. It didn't hurt enough. The blade was getting dull, too dull for my liking.

I pulled out a pocket knife from my coat. This one was sharp, sharp enough. This time when I cut, the knife was able to go a little deeper than last time. Red instantly flowed to the top of the cut.

If I had annihilated the Kitsune I could have saved him.

I cut again.

If I was earlier I could have saved him.

Then again.

If I stopped him from going I could have saved him.

Then again.

It's all my fault that he is dead.

Some people might ask 'Why do you cut yourself? Doesn't it hurt?' The answer is simple. Pain in the body numbs pain in the head.

A wave of dizziness rushed over me. You disappoint me Osamu Dazai. My wrist was starting to look like a checkerboard now. How pathetic. Sitting here playing fruit ninja on your arm? Really? You can't do anything better?

That's when it struck me. What to do. I took a roll of new bandages and wrapped them around my arms. I didn't clean the cuts. I didn't care if they got infected now. I rolled down my sleeves and went to my room.

Before doing anything, I made sure to lock the door tightly. I took out a suitcase and started packing my things. 'Be on the side that saves people' those words lingered through my head.

Everyone I care for dies.

I'm sorry Chuuya.

I'll have to break our promise.

Chuuya's POV

I was frozen after his hands left me. It was as if he was literal Elsa and had some cool frozen powers or something. I just stayed still standing in the living room, staring at the bathroom door.

What if I accidentally crossed his boundaries. He looked angry, I don't often see him like this. Usually, he's either emotionless or stupidly smiling.

He's starting to worry me, he's been in that bathroom for way too long. He needs time, he needs time. I looked outside the windows, I need to get a breath of fresh air. I stepped outside the door and saw my motorcycle.