everything all the time

grades

im failing again

im doing bad again

i'm gonna lose my spot here

I can't leave

then I go back to that place

I can't go back

I hate it there

everything about that school I hated

I wish I could just talk to someone

but someone that cares

someone ik won't judge me

where is mia

I need to talk to mia

I wish we went to school tg

if we could go to school tg

maybe

js maybe

I would get better

because I would have her

my bsf

yes I have kali

and I don't feel judged around her at all

but

I don't want her to think i'm

weak

I can feel my nose warm up

I can feel the tears well up

the second he says

"detention"

I was a little girl again

getting yelled at

for not getting an A+

now my parents don't even need an A+

they just want me to pass

I want me to pass

they js don't know

i'm supposed to be this

nonchalant asshole

the one that has a big past

the one that shuts up

the one no one knows

but everyone's knows me

they know I came from the grade above

everyone knows that I don't do my hw

everyone knows I have a bad mh

everyone knows that i'm a whore

why do I feel the need to talk to sam?

I act like he would listen the same way he did last night.

he felt bad

that's why he just sat and listened

I want kali

I want her to tell me it's gonna be ok

that i'm gonna be ok

that everything will work out

but I need the reality

I need the reality mia gives me

the reality of when she told me

jolie isn't a good person

suzy isn't coming back

leila is an asshole

it wasn't ur fault

you went to far

your doing it again

breaking your streak is ok

she tells me she loves me

and it's gonna be ok

not now

but later

soon

I wish I could js get my grades up

I wish I wasn't so distracted

all this drama consumes my head

even though she said she was js upset

is that the truth?

is that what she thinks?

I wish I could just go to sleep

or go hug sophia

and she just sits there

she doesn't say anything

she just holds me

she holds me until i'm ok again

I wanna be with kali

I wanna date her so bad

and kiss her

and love her

and smile w her

and laugh w her

but is she my distraction this time?

she isn't

she will never be

because my distraction is drama

I need someone to tell me right

but not sawyer

not siena

not may

not enzo

not sabrina

not anyone

just kali

I feel so dependent on her

I shouldn't feel this attached to her

we have only been dating for a 3 weeks

and I feel like I need her almost

like I have to have her

because I get jealous

and possessive

like I did before

shit they are coming back from lunch

I can't look like this

i'm a mess

i'm a complete and utter mess

god what am I doing.

(written when I was hiding in lunch -- messy chapter)