everything all the time

absolute brain dump

new names (your name isn't going to start with your letter, it will start with another one completely)

I miss you. no I don't. I fucking hate you, teal. I hate teal and black. why did you make me like this, black. what the fuck, you add me back?? what expecting me to add you back? you are delusional. and a fucking mess, get your act tg. i'm not defending you anymore. you affect the person I am today. I should've listened to tan. she was right about you. she always was. fuck you

don't touch me. back up. you get too close pink. I don't want to really interact with you anymore. maybe because you made feel like I was interacting with black. I feel like I can't forgive you r that, even if it wasn't your intention. and you are always so much. tbh idk what to say or do with you anymore. thanks for the truth though. shit gonna help me in the long run.

 you still wander in my head. why do you walk around looking for a room, when you know you will never have one after you said that, coral? I didn't do that to you. it was for you. it was after maroon. never you. please I need an explanation. yours doesn't make sense. please leave my house. you don't have a room. you never will. you wont have a seat that says your name in my movie. you won't be a number on my phone. you won't have an album in my photos. you wont even have photos on my phone. leave and never come back. stay away. you too maroon.

why do you even try maroon? It wont work. trust me. plus silver is trying too. i'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I was trying for ivory. but ivory stopped too. i'm sorry, forgive me, please. I don't want it back. I want to tell you. but I can't. breaking character yk? I never agreed with you. not once. I never truly liked you. especially after I heard. it wasn't even a rumor. it was the truth. I should've never asked. maybe I should've just stayed quiet. you made me feel quiet. not really actually. I don't know why I said that. you made me.. feel. no, you didn't. you made me numb. thanks for taking me out of reality. I love a good argument. grow up. maybe then you'll see why I did it.

I can't stay around you, ivory. you made me feel weird. uneasy. I don't like it. when i'm with olive I feel okay again. but please say the rumor is wrong. that my overthinking is wrong. maybe then I won't do it. maybe then ill be normal. this caused issues with peach. because I "liked" aqua. I never did. just like I never will with you. please. let it be normal. I don't want us to change. at the same time. I lost energy over you. I wasn't supposed to be drained. why did you do that? I painted your room for someone else. I don't think you belong here anymore. goodbye ivory. fuck, I haven't even known you for long. and now I talk to anyone but you.

I don't understand you olive. not in a mean way. just how could you? I never have. peach never did. so how do you do it? i'm hard to do that for. you seem to do it so easy, I do it so easy for you because it's easy to do it for you. you are love-able. but i'm not. peach told me i'm not. so why can you. you walked into my life and now you are the only good thing in it. I thought I would never fall for you but somehow I did. The second ivory said something about in or that confrence where its very faded in my head but I knew I had to have you at that point. It's weird. I feel like I have fallen harder for you than I ever did with peach. But that's the thing, I'm terrified you are gonna leave just like peach did. I was heartbroken over peach for months. ask orchid. she saw me in love with peach and saw my breakup with her. I can't let myself fall for you. see the thing about that is that I already did. from the first day. please don't leave me. I can't let people see me like that again. I'll be in ruins, olive. please. I need you to breathe now.

why don't we talk anymore orchid. we used to talk everyday. send countless tiktok's to each other. now I lost you, over a boy. a boy who doesn't care about you. its been 2 weeks and there is rumors of him cheating. c h e a t i n g. and you are still with him. you say you fell in love and ill believe you, but I can no longer help you. you sound like me. I hated myself during that time. I was crying to you daily over black. and now you cry over him. and I don't know how to fix it. it's bad for my mental health. I can't let you just talk to me when you want to vent. ill cry to olive about how I don't know what to do and force myself to call you and listen to you cry for hours. we talk once a week. a mer catchup. same conversation always. now he is treating you right. i'm happy for you. but you deserve better. he isn't even in your grade. he has a huge snap score. his story of why he did this and that don't add up, but you believe him. and no matter how much truth I tell you, you won't listen. this is the "love of your life". so I guess he is, then again, he is only your first boyfriend. so please. let's get our priorities straight, orchid.

I barely talk to you violet. you seem to still think we are bsfs but we really aren't. were we ever? or was I just lying to myself to make friends. you make everything about yourself I can't handle it. sure you "care" but is it really caring if you know that telling me those words make me feel the same way of talking to wheat? sure you don't. because we never got to the stage where you did know that much about me. we never got to the stage where you could say that stuff to me. maybe olive could but violet. never. we texted maybe a max of 3 times. we never ft ever. we don't talk during breaks. I haven't told you about my family nor my old school. so why are we acting like you can say this to me when you most obviously can't. let me make this clear. you are why I don't talk to you. we aren't "besties". we are farthest from it. so don't make excuses. and oh by the way, the whole "i've been told I was too close so I had to back up, but apparently I did it again" thing. I understand their point. because you get so possessive. you quite literally don't have any set in stone friends that you have to put them in a jail cell for them to stay.

(TW - SLIGHT ED MENTION)

 I don't know how to eat anymore. will I ever? clear made me look at myself a different way. and she is her. how could you? why would you? I am your child. no I am not gonna "go eat a burger" and no I am not gonna "go workout" because I "gained". you don't tell that to your child. and by the way clear, why don't you go tell navy to. she gets a reward for it. "If you lose 13 pounds by your b-day, you can get nails". #1, she is a child. a baby. she is -- she doesn't need nails. #2, she is going to gain trauma from this. from all the comments you make, clear? navy is only -- years old. she doesn't need all those comments or criticism. but it's fine because navy will always be your favorite because she is your "twin". what happened to me being your twin. navy looks nothing like you, acts nothing likes you, doesn't understand a lick of spanish, and doesn't try nearly as hard for you as I do. so just because she listens to fucking taylor swift and is now your "twin" because of that is fucking remarkable to me. see if you would care to notice me, I know every song lyric to every single one of her songs. I personally waited until midnight for everyone of her albums that most recently to come out so maybe you and I could talk about it. so no clear, im not her biggest fan and I like "depressive" music. please grow up and be an adult, clear. because I lost hope for you to act like a normal, caring, sweet mother long fucking ago.

(TW - ABUSE AND SUICIDE MENTION)

why do you treat me like this, wheat. one day I am your best friend and the next i'm throw into a mirror. I have scars, cuts, bruises because of you. I am terrified of coming home because of you. I'll scream to olive that you texted me because you are usually trying to yell at me. over my grades. can you please get it through your thick skull that the reason I got suspended and you found all of that and my grades have been straight F's for the last four years is because everything keeps coming up and I keep making a plan. I never thought grades would matter when I died so I focused on my friends and my social life and hanging out and leaving a mark on people so I wasn't just a random girl that killed herself in 7th grades. so please. lets look at the bigger picture then just my grades. I promise I matter more than a fucking science grade.

how did you mange to do that, black. how did you manage to hurt me so bad it emotionally scarred me. like explain. what did I do to deserve that. god you are pathetic. 

may 4th is getting to close for me to deal. I don't know how to live and think right anymore. im just tired of it.

xoxo,

angel