everything all the time

red

TW // SCARS : CUTS : BLADES

I sit

i'm taking off my pants

and I see my knee patch

I scream for my mom

it hurt

so bad

she is fixing it

I look down at my thighs

I forgot

the white lines turned red

red

the color of blood

the color of anger

the color of love

the color of my cuts

I panic

she'll cry again

she'll send me somewhere

she won't love me

no one will love me

I panic

I fold my legs

it seems to take years for her to fix it

please

faster

hurry

I can't get caught

not again

194 days

gone

in the span of 5 minutes 

the 5 minutes I feel numb

I was telling kali what happened

"it was meant to be my hydration period, 

so I can like keep crying 

and then not cry for a month"

I wish I just had reached to get water

but I was dumb

and didn't

I instead got up

'sit down'

no

'please sit down'

i'm pleading 

i'm pleading with myself

I can't speak in this period

I can't do anything

I basically crawl if I have to

but getting up?

it was a disaster

I wish I just stayed down

I wish I just got my water

I wish I had made white lines

that turned

bright red.

a new scar

a new scar I have to hid

a new weakness

a new disappointment

a new red scar