Warnings for: mental illness, depression, suicidal ideation
Ever since I was a young child, I was always told by my parents that I'm overly sensitive. I've been too emotional. For a while I didn't believe them, but I think I understand now.
How can anyone live with this amount of feeling? It's unbearable. It's aggravating and it's agonizing. Why can't it just not matter?
I hope that one day someone will be able to parse out what I meant by all this. I think I hope that I'll be around to see it.
I'm not sure even I know what I'm saying on days like this.
I feel like a liar for the ups and the downs. The rampant contradictions of my own moods make me a fraud to my existence.
I just want to be alone, but I also want to be held and just cry until I can't anymore.
But I hate being held. I don't want to be held like this. I don't want people to see me like this. That's the worst thing I could possibly imagine.
I'm tired of contradicting myself. I'm tired of causing people to worry about me. I don't feel like I'm enough to worry about.
I can't even use sleep as escapism now, apparently.
I'll survive this, but right now I just don't want to.
