Me before you

chapter 13

"You're sure you've got everything?" Sana asked, for the fiftieth time since waking her son up, early as any school morning despite him breaking up for Christmas a few days ago.

"Mom." Louis gave her the most exasperated look that a nine year old could. "You packed my bag, and then you repacked it three times after that."

"I know." Sana nodded, and swallowed. She opened her mouth to say something, but all the words dried up in her mouth, so she knelt down to pull him into a tight hug before she did something irrational like cry or cancel the cab. She felt Louis awkwardly manage to put his arms around her neck, despite the confining backpack and the thick coat she'd made him wear, just in case. Sana sighed into the warm top of his head. He smelled like home and strawberry shampoo and Louis. The lump in her throat was growing.

"Relax, Mom," Louis said, as he disentangled himself from her. He flashed a reassuring toothy grin. "I'm gonna be fine. It'll be fun."

"I know," Sana sighed, brow furrowing and she managed a smile. There was an ache in her chest that had been growing all week. "But it's my job to worry about you."

"Dad used to have me by himself all the time when I was little," Louis reminded her. When we lived in the same state, Sana thought.

She didn't say anything. Louis was right – she was making too much of a fuss. But this was the first time they were going to be apart – really apart – since the divorce. He'd softened, become so much more relaxed and easy to talk to since they moved, and in all honesty, so had she. She didn't want to lose that. She didn't want...

It's only one week, Sana. Pull yourself together. But the voice in her head was her own mother's, which only made her feel worse.

They'd been planning this visit ever since the move. From the day they found out the date of Louis's Christmas holidays from school. She'd agreed: the first week he'd spend with Wonwoo, the second – including Christmas day - with her. Skype on Christmas morning. A modern family holiday.

"Okay," Sana said, kneeling down on the porch to finish buttoning up his coat for him, despite his protests. It made her feel better to do one last piece of mothering before he left. She stayed on his level, hands on his skinny shoulders so she could meet his gaze. "Your father's going to meet you at the station, okay? You text me when you're with him. And text me when you're both home." A frown crossed her face, creasing her brow. "You know what, maybe I should go with you until Daddy gets there –"

"Mom, he's already there waiting for me." Louis reminded her.

"I know." Sana frowned, pursing her lips. She supposed that was true. Her hands were twitching. It took everything in her to keep from smoothing down Louis's hair again. "I know, I just wish –" She bit her lip. She didn't wish anything. Louis had to see his father, and to do that now he had to spend time away from her. Part of her knew she was being irrational. Louis had travelled a little on his own before, and he'd only be going to the station where Wonwoo would meet him and accompany him the rest of the way.

A loud honk from the road made them both look over. The taxi cab had arrived, idling along the curb, paintjob faded in the bright winter light. Sana's heart sank, chest thumping with panic and love.

"Okay," Sana repeated, quickly pulling him into another tight hug. "Don't forget to let me know when you're together."

"I won't." Louis told her seriously. His words were slightly muffled by the hug. "Promise."

Sana forced herself to speak around the lump in her throat. "I love you."

"I love you too." Louis grinned, before turning and running through the front garden. Sana tightened her jacket around herself, hurrying after him towards the cab.