Unclean Hands 🫴🏻 (A Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction)

36 | A Heart That Still Beats Still Aches

Three Months After 

Though it was a long and painful journey, Adrien Agreste fought his inner demons, his negative emotions, and the guilt that'd been tormenting him for years now and had been getting the help he desperately needed.

With love and support from Marinette, his family, and friends, Adrien found just what he was looking for, and had started seeing Doctor Pitwell, a well recommended psychiatrist, for weekly sessions.

Adrien was hesitant to open up at first, given he couldn't be completely honest with the doctor, but he did admit a few truths. Gabriel had abused him for years, resulting in an unfortunate eating disorder that controlled Adrien's life just as his father had, and he had survivor's guilt.

What Doctor Pitwell 'knew' was the same as Paris—that Gabriel Agreste gave up his life, his fame, his brand, and most importantly, his son, and ran. To where? No one could answer that. Well, except for two certain liars.

"Good morning, Adrien," Doctor Pitwell greeted as the model walked in and sat in the brown chair across from him. "Did you sleep well?"

"Uh, not really," Adrien admitted with a yawn. His dead father's ghost had kept him up all night, taunting him, whispering cruel words, trying to convince him to betray his girlfriend and take her miraculous and kill her. But none of this Adrien had mentioned to the doctor, so he couldn't exactly talk about it. "I slept for maybe about twenty minutes."

"Oh, is it the nightmares?"

Nightmares—what Adrien called his dead father's unwelcomed presence.

He nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."

"And you're still taking your medication?" Doctor Pitwell asked. "Both of them? One's to help calm you down and the other's supposed to help you sleep—"

"I've been taking them," Adrien spat out fast. "I don't think they're helping, though."

"Give them time, Adrien. Why don't we talk about something else for now? You still have about two months until graduation, right? Are you excited about that?"

Adrien stared at his 'Marinette lucky charm' clasped around his wrist. Ever since the pair started dating, both had been wearing their matching bracelets. "It seems I've bene waiting for graduation for forever now, honestly. Time seems to be moving slow, ever since my father went... missing. Everything's changed, really."

"How so?" The doctor asked.

Well, I killed him for starters, so now I don't have a father anymore. Not that I had one to begin with. "I-It's hard to explain, really."

"Mind if I give it a try?"

"Go for it," Adrien said with a shrug.

Doctor Pitwell straightened his shoulders as he cleared his throat. "Adrien, for the first seventeen years of your life, you depended entirely on your father, for a lot: a safe home, clean clothes, food, comfort. Pretty much everything, I assume? He's provided you with so much, so of course you should be thankful, grateful, for that, right?"

The model heisted, but slowly nodded.

"And this extravagant life your father gave you: a career in modeling with fame, fans, money, almost anything you could ask for, it wasn't what you wanted. You didn't want to be known by everyone, but he gave this to you, so, of course, you have to want it, you have to be thankful for it. After all he's your father and he just wants to give you the best life. Right? Gabriel Agreste's a talented man, and he became a famous, well-known fashion designer practically overnight! His face was everywhere, his name was everywhere, and you couldn't help being mixed into that toxic environment. You didn't have a choice."

I have never been given a choice.

"This environment you were forced into, it was secret, private, and controlling, yet at the same time it was invasive and crowded and overwhelming. In public you're adored by fans, by people who don't even know you, and at home you're shunned by your own father, someone who should know you, love you, better than anyone."

Adrien couldn't make eye contact, so he stared at the beige carpet. "So... what are you saying?"

"Something changed in your father—when your mother disappeared—isn't that right, Adrien?" Doctor Pitwell asked, and he waited for him to nod before he continued. "Your father became distant, cold, private, unwelcoming, everything a father shouldn't be. Then he... then he started screaming, and screaming turned into hitting, and soon enough, this was a constant routine. Screaming and hitting. Hitting and screaming. You couldn't have one without the other."

"Some days I preferred it when he hit me," Adrien admitted, leaning back as he stared forward at the wall, still avoiding eye contact. "Bruises and black eyes eventually heal, but... some of the horrible things he said to me, I relive them every single day. I will never forget anything he said to me."

Doctor Pitwell frowned. "Father's don't do that, right? They don't abuse their own sons—but thanks to this life your father gave you, provided for you, he convinced you this is what you deserved, this is what you needed. Your father said he loved you, so how could you question his actions, his cruel behavior? This must be how fathers love their sons."

Adrien didn't know he was crying until he tasted salt in his mouth.

"You'd gotten so used to all the abuse your father inflicted on you, and now that he's gone and nowhere near to hurt you, it feels... strange. It feels wrong, or different. You're not used to this."

"Used to what?"

"A peaceful life without him."

Suddenly, it clicked for Adrien. A new light shined through the darkest corners of his mind. Doctor Pitwell was right. Adrien had been so used to the life his father created for him, that in his absence he thought he had to stay like that, to still live like that.

It never occurred to Adrien that—even after everything he'd done—he could still let go and move on, be free of his father. He didn't have to hold on to the pain or the past anymore. There was nothing left to fear, nothing left to run from. He didn't have to jump or flinch every time his bedroom door opened or hide food wrappers or lock himself in the bathroom.

And as simple as that all sounded—letting go and moving on—Adrien knew it wouldn't be easy, but he'd try.

Adrien closed his eyes tight as he broke down in a fit of angry sobs. His chest ached with a new pain he had never felt before, something more intense and heartbreaking. He finally made eye contact and asked with a shaky breath, "How long until I'll be okay again?"

Doctor Pitwell grabbed and squeezed his hand. "A heart that still beats still aches."

And he understood.