Touch Me I'm Going to Scream // [Stucky]

Chapter 21 Part 2

Once everyone has left, once Bucky has heard the jet leave, and once he's taken his sweet time to clean the kitchen, Bucky sits on the couch and sinks into the silence of the apartment. He gets the dog tags out of the pocket of his pants and stares at them until he loses track of time.

No mission, Bucky reminds himself as he hangs the tags around his neck and slides them under his t-shirt and sweater. There's no target, no debriefing before or after. No weapons are handed by Katy who will complain to Tom about how her son hasn't let her sleep all night. Katy who will morph into Pete after a wipe who will then turn into Aziz, into Talia into Sofia into Luca into—

Bucky lets out a controlled breath, his fingers rubbing Steve's name imprinted in the thin metal disc. "J.A.R.V.I.S., where can I find a computer—a laptop, that is?"

"Would you mind if Dum-E came to deliver one only for you, Mr. Barnes?"

"I wouldn't mind, no." Bucky can't help but smile at the mention of the robot.

To Bucky, these last few days have been like an awakening—a real one, nothing like thawing after cryo. This past week has been like opening his eyes, sitting up on the bed, stretching his arm over his head... It's been slow and it's been hard, and there are times when he believes his brain is really glitching, but he's had the opportunity to let his muscles stretch and his mind work without being punished for it—for taking his time.

But Bucky breathes and he reminds himself he's not just passing through time, not anymore; tomorrow he won't wake up another 70 years in the future. He's safe and he's making memories and keeping them. Tomorrow, when he wakes up he will still remember his ma and his little sister, he will remember Steve and he will remember Howard Stark.

The elevator chimes and Dum-E shoots out of it with a laptop carefully balanced in its claw. The bot offers it to Bucky and he accepts it with a thank you and a smile, and then the bot is gone again.

"Why are you called J.A.R.V.I.S.?" Bucky asks as he turns on the laptop.

"Just Another Rather Very Intelligent System," the A.I. says making Bucky smile. "But the real reason is because of the human Jarvis who took care of Mr. Stark when he was a child."

Bucky hums, shifting on the cushion. The moment will come when Bucky will have to tell what actually happened to Tony Stark's parents and who did it. It most certainly will mean that Bucky will find himself kicked out of the Tower but it may be better than his insides turning every time he sees Howard's son.

"Stark built an Artificial Intelligence because he needed a butler," Bucky comments with amusement.

"Simply put, yes." Bucky snorts at the A.I.'s words and tone; it's subtle but he can swear that J.A.R.V.I.S. is being sarcastic. J.A.R.V.I.S. may not be a physical presence but Bucky doesn't feel alone right now.

Bucky stares at the search box. The tiny magnifying glass stares back and waits for him to write. He has no clue what he will find, but Bucky types "shell shock" into the bar and presses enter, his father's face flashing before his eyes. "About 99,000,000 results" pop up in the screen and Bucky's grateful there are no images, something he hadn't even thought about.

"Shell shock is a term originally coined in 1915 by Charles Myers to describe soldiers who were involuntarily shivering, crying, fearful, and had constant intrusions of memory. It is not a term used in psychiatric practice today but remains in everyday use."

Bucky's started trembling and he would laugh at his body's reaction if nausea wasn't creeping up his throat. His hand searches for the metal around his neck, still cold just like his skin. It must have been warm every time it hung around Steve's neck.