Everything I'm not // Billie Eilish

chapter 1

August 18, 2018

Wake up, eat, shower, therapy, eat, write, socialise, eat again, call my parents, and then an awfully short hour of being on your phone. After that, you sleep and wake up to start all over.

Every hallway looks the same, my room is boring, white walls, a bed, a bathroom, a desk, and it smells like a hospital. Maybe it smells like that because it is.

The furniture is attached to the ground, and I don't have anything sharp in my room, so if I go insane, I can't hurt myself.
Every day, I go insane. The bright light makes me feel like I'm suffocating, and everyone here is more crazy than I am. They act like I'm a child, and that makes me incredibly mad.

It's been six months since I woke up here.
Six months without going outside.
Six months without seeing my parents.
I don't know how long they're going to let me stay here. They never tell me anything. It's frustrating when you know they have a plan. But the only thing you hear is. "We're going to keep you for a while to make sure you're okay."

"Deloris?" The nurse, Katy, starts. Her dark hair is in a bun, and her dark eyes look at me. She is the only one here who I like, partly because she is the only person who is reasonable and she is the only person who talks to me like I'm a normal functioning person.

"Hm?" I reply, looking at her.
"Take a shower. After that, Simone wants to talk with you." She says with a soft, caring smile on her face.
"Alright." I say, trying to sound like it is alright. Because, in fact, it isn't.

Simone is my therapist. She talks to me as if I'm a child, and her eyes are way too wide open, making her look like a doll.

The bathroom door creaked as I opened it. Locks are apparently too dangerous, so I have to shower with the fear of someone coming in.
The shower barely has any water coming out, but it is alright.
They don't let us shower "too hot," which leads to a shower with almost cold water.
After five minutes, the shower would turn itself off.

Just as I was about to grab a towel and get out of the shower, it stopped. What a timing.
My clothes feel soft against my skin. A pair of sweatpants, a hoodie, and fluffy socks. 
When I came here, they gave me clothes. It sounds fun, but it isn't. You get three hoodies, three shirts, three pairs of sweatpants, and underwear. It's barely enough.

The halls are empty as I walk towards Simone in her office.
I pause the music from my mp3 player and take off my headphones before walking into the office. Immediately, a smell of coffee enters my nose.
"Deloris, hi! Have a seat." She says, pointing at the chair. "How have you been?" She asks way too happy, she smiles widely, and her teeth are way too white to be natural.

"I'm alright." I say, forcing myself to smile and sound like I mean it. The acting classes I took two years ago help with this part.
"Good to hear. What have you been up to?" She asks, writing some things down.
"Mostly drawing and writing." I say. Simone looks up at me and smiles.
"Good, yeah, that sounds good." Her bleached tooth almost hurt my eyes.

She talks, using her hands, I zone out but just smile softly and nod. Sometimes, I say, "Yeah." But I have no idea what she's talking about.
"So, how does that sound? One more week, and then you're free to go." She says. Her smile is wide, and she hands me some papers.
Maybe I should listen next time, because I have no idea where that came from.
"Sounds amazing." I say. Am I finally getting out?

--

My parents and Simone are discussing my future.
Apparently, that isn't up to me. They need to decide what I'm going to do where and when.

The waiting area is quite large. There are blue chairs attached to the wall. This is probably the first colour I've seen in the last six months.

My music is playing through my headphones, and I'm waiting for Simone to walk towards me.
It's been 6 months, I haven't seen my parents, we did call, but I think they are scared of me.

The door opens, and Simone looks at me with a smile. She signs that I can come in.
Fear is crawling under my skin, but I'm forcing a smile on my face. My headphones hang around my neck, and I pause my music.
My parents look at me before they smile. They don't say anything. I take a seat on the empty chair.

"We made a plan." Simone says excitedly. I nod with a forced smile. "So, you're going to stay for another week. Then you can go. I want us to call every week and see you every month." She explains.
That isn't that bad. At least I can stay away from this place.
"But, you're not going home. You're going to a different school, getting your own apartment, a fresh start." She adds. My heart sinks to the ground. A fresh start?

All I want is to be home, in my room. To be in a place I know.
Even though I don't feel safe there, it's the only thing I want.

"Sounds great." I say, forcing a smile and nodding. Simone smiles.
"Yes, that's what I was thinking as well! A new school also means a new start." She says with a smile.
"Yeah, that sounds great." I say while smiling. Everything is better than this place.

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