Everything I'm not // Billie Eilish

chapter 8

14 September 2018

After finishing my cigarette within a few minutes, I quickly chewed some gum.
“Hi there.” A familiar voice says behind me. My heart sinks to the ground.
“Hey.” I reply shortly, Billie sits next to me on the bench.

My heart raises a bit as I realise she actually came alone.
First, she's quiet, and it's pretty awkward. We've never talked before. My hands fidget with my sleeves of the hoodie.
“You know that shop nearby school?” She starts. My eyes meet hers for a moment before I nod and look away.

“Well, there is this creepy old man who always compliments girls from our school. He's always hitting on them.” She says in disgust.
“Ew.” I simply say, not sure how to have a conversation with her. She looks at me and laughs softly.
“You're not really a talkative person.” She says.
“Yeah.” I say quietly.
“Well no problem, I'll just talk, and you can listen, if you're okay with that.” She offers, and I nod my head. She starts talking about a lot, and I quietly listen.

We're both quiet before I start speaking.
“Why are you so nice to me?” I ask, honestly confused. We look at each other, the wind moves her hair in front of her face, and her blue eyes stare at me.
“Because you seem nice.” she says quietly.
“but you were so mean before.” I say quietly.
“I know.” She says she takes a deep breath. “I just don't know how to get to know people. So I'm mean to people. But it isn't personal.” She explains.

Billie checks her phone. We've been silent for a few long minutes.
“Well, it's cold, so I'm going to head home.” She says.
“Okay, see you on monday.” I reply.

She smiles softly before getting up, and I put on my headphones again. My eyes follow her, and I get up when I'm sure she is gone.

It's still weird that she is nice now. My head is spinning, and I don't know what to think.
Rain starts to fall down. Luckily, not much, it still soaks a bit through my clothes.

Within a few minutes, I'm home, I quickly take off my hoodie to put on another one.
My window opens easily, and I light another cigarette, I do feel bad, but I need it.

From where I'm standing, the rain can't hit me. Some smoke gets blown into my kitchen, but most of it doesn't, luckily.
A light feeling starts to go through my body, I take the last few hits before going back inside.
Everything is spinning a bit, but it's calming in some sort of way.

As I lay on my bed, I stare at the empty space behind me.
It's like the emptiness of my apartment, also inside me.

My heart feels heavy, and I don't even have a reason. Back at the hospital, I always thought it would end or at least get better.
But I think that I'll be stuck in this cycle forever. Each breath and heartbeat reminds me of my own existence, making me feel miserable. I failed in everything, even giving up.

I try to distract myself by scrolling through my phone, but it only drains me more.
I'm so tired. Before my thoughts get the best off of me, I turn off the lights to at least try and sleep. My heart feels heavy, and I want to cry, but no tears come out.

__

4 April 2018 - memory

Days started to fade with each other. My phone goes off, and I ignore it once again. My parents are yelling downstairs because of me.