Everything I'm not // Billie Eilish

chapter 9

18 September 2018

My alarm echoes through my room. I move over to turn it off.
Yesterday, I didn't feel like going to school, I still don't, but I don't want to get back into the cycle.

My eyes feel heavy, and I'm so tired. Today starts with English, and I'm thinking about just skipping that hour and going to the rest.
It'll only be awkward between Billie and I.

I let out a sigh before getting up and changing into normal clothes, instead of the same sweats and hoodie that I've been wearing over the weekend.

As I step into school, I immediately regret going.
Everyone is looking at me, I think. My outfit looks weird on my body, and my hair is in a messy bun because I didn't have the energy to wash it.

Joan looks at me and walks up to me. Her hair is loose, and she curled it. Instead of her normal style, she's wearing baggy pants with a hoodie.

“There you are. You just disappeared.” She starts.
“Yeah, sorry, I didn't feel well.” I reply.
“Yeah right, text next time. Otherwise, people think that you're ghosting them.”

Her change in tone leaves me quiet. “I'm going to class, see you at lunch?” She says while avoiding looking at me.
“Yeah.” I say quietly. She nods and walks away.

My heart still feels heavy, and I make my way to class. My headphones blast music in my ears as I sit next to Billie. She taps on my shoulder.
I take off my headphones and turn to look at her.
“Are you alright?” She asks, I can hear that she is worried. I slowly nod my head.

“We could start the project if you feel like it, no pressure.” Her voice is soft and calming as she speaks.
“Okay.” I reply. She smiles softly and grabs the assignment paper that has just been lying on our table over the last few weeks.
“We first have to answer these questions.” She says and grabs two other papers.
“Then we compare our answers and write a story.” She gives me one of the papers, and we both start writing.

All the questions are weird and hard to answer.
Everything reminds me of my ex. As much as I want to forget about him, he'll always be in my head.

Sometimes, I still feel dirty when I think about his touch, but I need to get over it.
My answers are short, and within a few minutes, I'm done.

I see Billie write her last few questions and wait patiently. Everyone is talking, and I hear people breathe, chew, write, and bounce with their legs.
It makes me so uncomfortable.

A nervous feeling crawls under my skin, and I'm also slightly panicking. My thoughts drift off to before the hospital.
“Hey?” Billie says, pulling me out of my thoughts.
My eyes meet hers and wait for her to continue.
“I was wondering, do you want to hang out today?” I hear that she's nervous.

It's staying with her the whole day or laying in my bed for the rest of the day. I'm tired, but I guess being with her is better than alone in my apartment.
“Sure.” I say quietly.

A smile forms on my face.
“Okay, we can go to my house if you want to.” She offers.
“Alright.” I say softly. As she leans back and crosses her arms, she looks at me. I'm quiet for a moment, but she continues staring.

“What?” I ask while avoiding eye contact.
“I'm just happy that we're talking now.” She says, and I see her cheeks turn a light shade of red. Before I can answer, the bell rings. We quietly grab our stuff, avoiding eye contact.
“See you after school.” She says before walking away.

—

Only a few minutes left. Joan is talking about this weekend, and I quietly listen.
“Want to hang out?” She asks.
“I've got plans.” I say quietly and look down at my desk.
“Plans? Alright.” She says I can hear how irritated she is, but she doesn't say it.

She turns to Dante and Reggie, and they start talking.
My eyes focus on the clock as each second drags by endlessly.
“Okay class, finish these assignments at home, I'll see you on Thursday.” The teacher says. Everyone grabs their stuff to leave.

My bag feels heavy on my back as I walk to the exit to wait for Billie.
‘I'm already outside (back door)’ I text and sit on a bench to wait for her.

Within a minute, my phone buzzes. ‘I'll be there in a minute.’ A smile appears on my face.
I quickly put on my headphones so that there is music while I wait instead of an awkward silence.
My eyes follow the people that wall by, but there aren't many people I know.

Someone taps on my shoulder, sending shivers down my spine.
As I take off my headphones and turn around, my eyes fall on Billie.
She stands behind the bench with a smile.

“Let's go.” She says, and I reply with a nod.
“I always walk to school, but we'll be there in less than ten minutes.” She says while we start walking.
“Okay.” I reply. In the corner of my eye, I see Billie smile to herself.
“What?” I ask and look at her.
“Nothing, just there is something about you, Deloris.” She says.
“Something about me?” I ask in confusion.

She rolls her eyes playfully.
“I mean, something about you wants me to get close to you.” She explains. Our eyes meet, and I'm not sure how to reply, so I stay quiet.
I understand her. She has that, too. I want to know her and also be there for her, but I don't think it's a smart idea.

I only hurt the people who know me, so I mostly say the basic stuff. The only time I talk about myself is if people ask the right questions.
I'll never talk about my problems if people don't ask.
If someone knows what's going on, it'll make them worry, and I don't want people to worry.

1032 words