Pardon

Chapter 10: Fever

It certainly seems now, based on everything that has happened during this long overdue conversation, that Bucky is truly, deeply sorry for everything that has happened to you. He just continues to hug you tightly, not wishing to let you go just yet. Only once you calmed down, he starts to move a little. As he lets his hand run over your hair, he pulls back a little and looks at you in surprise. Your temperature is much higher than it should be.

There is no doubt: You are running a fever. Bucky starts to worry a lot.

You quickly back off, trying to hide your fever, but Bucky immediately raises one hand towards your forehead while the other one just grabs your shoulder to stop you from stepping back any further.

"You're running a fever. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Bucky, I..."

You are quick to come up with just another lie but you decide to stop yourself. After this whole conversation, you take a deep breath and finally answer honestly.

"It started last night after I ran out of pain killers... At least that's when I first noticed it..."

Your gaze falls on your right arm. After the night at the animal shed, the bandages around the cut wound are completely soaked in dirt. Only now Bucky realizes how exhausted and physically weak you seem to be.

"Why didn't you say you ran out of meds? We need to find you something..."

"We need to get to Nuremberg... We can't risk having any further delay..."

"And that's more important than actually caring about your health and making sure you could even make this trip?", Bucky raises his eyebrows at you.

He is getting somewhat frustrated with you now. You have a fever, you have no pain killers, you haven't been sleeping well, you definitely didn't drink enough water... He gets that it is important to get to Nuremberg to find cover, but that doesn't justify you risking your well being like that.

"This is just what I do, Bucky... I've been on the run for years... Sometimes you just have to push things on the side for the sake of the mission..."

You can see a wave of realization wash over Bucky: "And how many times have you ended up in the hospital or had to be treated after pushing yourself like this?"

Too many times. The answer to his question is: Too many times. But you don't need to say that out loud. The look on your face already gives it away.

To Bucky it almost seems like a part of you just expects you to run yourself down like this and that's not okay with him.

"This is just what I do... I'm ready to risk it all... Just to stop Hydra... But still... It's never been enough..."

Bucky just shakes his head. This cannot be right. The fact that after all these years you're still out here, fighting, risking your life to try and stop Hydra from regaining its former glory and yet – you're still just never enough.

You are getting stubborn right now, you are very aware of that. But your mind is much stronger than your body.

"Right now what Hydra wants is you... So I have to make sure you get to Nuremberg where our backup is gonna be soon... And if you don't want me to collapse right here within the next thirty minutes, we should get moving. The sooner we arrive at the city to find a safe space, the better."

Your voice is now a lot softer and calmer and warmer than Bucky has ever heard it before. Yet your stubbornness irritates Bucky. Your mind is clearly stronger than your body – but to him, that's exactly the problem. No matter how much your mind wants you to keep going, your body can't. It's weak, it's sick and it needs to be treated.