Where The Grass Grows

Always Love On Purpose

My mom had told me
Once
When I was young
Always love on purpose
She had smiled that same old smile
The one that hid endless catacombs of knowledge
Some things I knew
Others I didn't
This time I was unsure of what she was telling me

Always love on purpose

When I'm lost and need directions
And inevitably bite the bullet that is my social anxiety
When I manage to behoove my fears
And when I forgo my stubborn nature
To admit the truth that is—even I am human—
A human that needs help from time to time
When I bite that bullet and turn it to dust
As I find a stranger
Who's smile had been kind enough for me to trust
And awkwardly stand and avoid eye contact

I laugh thinking of their perspective
Standing staring at a little girl
Who is strange; homely
But their kindness is unbidden
A kind smile flush across their face
And the ice wall that surrounds my heart
Begins to melt
Everything is cold
I didn't realize how cold I was
Perhaps, the wall had to melt for me to feel it
And they point toward my destination
Which I all together forgot
Because I was a fool
And they were kind
They didn't have to be
And yet, they were

When that happens
I feel a love swell in my chest
Longing, aching and all together too much
I feel my breath leave my lungs
As the sudden urge to know more
Fills me, head to toe
My mind has decided this
Within the two seconds they were kind to me
I love them

I love them for being kind
There is no romance behind the feeling
Rather a simple unbinding gratitude
Toward a stranger
Who had enough heart
To give such a strange homely girl directions
Toward a stranger
Who allowed their heart the space for me
Even if just for a second
Even if by the next moment they will have forgotten me
Even then there is a small love
In offering help to a mere stranger on the street
In this moment altogether brief
We loved on purpose

When at school I find my way through the pockets of people
To my destination which is nothing more than a mere table
It's round and it's blue
You can find it by the sunflowers
It's a wretched thing
Pale and beaten down by teens
Fueled by nothing more than stress and fear
This year this table was faced with something altogether new
As was I

This year a girl in choir
Beautiful I cannot lie
Had spoken to me
And had taken me to her friends
Had undone herself completely
Had shown me the most valuable thing she could possibly have
She had shown me what she loved
She had shown me her everything
And everyday I sat with them at lunch
I was met with kind words
And unbinding friendship

I never had to ask
They were already there
We opened our hearts
And fed each other passion
Cruel, unkempt passion
Even if for just a year
They gave me everything they had
Even if they knew this would one day end
It's better to have loved and to have lost
Than to have never loved at all
And so they loved me like I was one of them
Like I had always been there
Completing the pack
Together
We loved each other on purpose

When at the park
I catch a glimpse of a father and daughter
Laughing together like this was all that mattered
Like all the problems in the world rest beyond the edge of the playground
To be dealt with later
For now the only important thing is that little girl feels loved

He's a good father
A sharp pain stabs my heart
As I take in the moment
With crystal clear precision
My heart swells
And then it hurts
It all hurts
And it's all too much

I don't have a father like that little girl does
I can't recall the last time mine ever hugged me
But I can tell you when the last time he felt ashamed of me was
This morning when I had accidentally elbowed my cup of juice
It had fallen and spilled on the floor
He didn't say anything
But he looked down on me like I was a stranger
Like he didn't recognize me anymore
He doubted if he ever had

My father didn't look at me like that
Like I was his whole world
The one thing that kept him spinning on his axis
The only thing keeping him in orbit
My father didn't love me like that
He didn't hold me
He didn't play hide and seek with me
My father didn't love me

My heart feels heavy
As I sit on this old rickety park bench
Watching a father and daughter enjoy a sunny afternoon
The stitching which kept the broken parts of my heart whole
Broke open and my heart shattered
It fell to my stomach
As a broken cry made its way through the seams of my mouth
Sadness staining my cheeks
As I untie the burdens I've carried for all too long

My heart swells with heartache
But my lips curl into a smile
As tears run down my face
I watch a little girl be saved from my pain
She won't ever debate her worth
Her father loves her
He loves her on purpose

I could say the same about him
He is giving his daughter the life I never had
A tender, gentle love warms my heart
I love him and his little girl on purpose

As I watch the first movie that in the end leaves my heart in pieces
I love the characters on purpose
As I wake my brother for school
Laying beside him
Comforted by the silence
I love him on purpose
As I said goodbye to my best friend
The girl that between this quiet moment
And whispered secrets
I realized I loved
The girl I realized I had always loved
I placed my heart in her hands
I loved her on purpose
As my life crumbled
And knocked the wind out of me
As I lost what little time I had been offered
As life dealt me a cruel hand
I loved on purpose

My mom said
Always love on purpose
Most times she'd repeat herself
She'd carry her words with importance
The need to be heard crawling up her spine
But this she only ever said once
I thought she'd forgotten this time
What she'd said
But the reality is and always was
She never forgot
She never needed to remind me
Because I already did
I always had
I love on purpose

And you
You have spent a long time reading this
or if spoken you've spent time listening to it
You've opened your heart to accept the words that have poured from mine
You have shared a portion of yourself with me
You have been kind offering up your time
You have offered something that you will never get back
Do you realize that?
You have given me a sacrifice
You have loved me
And for that
Even if for just a moment
I love you on purpose.