Where The Grass Grows

The Anger That I Carry

I have so much anger
And not a place to put it

Sometimes I look for it in the wind
A sign of some sort
That tells me what I'm supposed to do
With all this fire burning within me
Far from death dancing alive
After all holding it inside
Has kept it from being kind
But there is no pedestal made to carry this weight
They would all break

Sometimes I look to the stars
From my bed and through a window
Like the little girl I once lost
I look for her within them
And I ask where she's gone
But they don't respond
Stars are only good for looking pretty
They don't hold the answers

Sometimes I look to the sky
When the sun is out
And I think maybe the sun will know
What am I to do with this wretched thing called anger?
I ask her
But it's no use
She sits and she burns
Her light offers us warmth
But she too doesn't have the answers

Sometimes I ask my mother
Moms know everything
And so I ask her
Mommy what am I to do with this anger?
Her face has been withered from grief
Her eyes are red
She's always crying
She's sad too
I don't know Darling
I can see it in her eyes
She has the same questions I do

Sometimes I look for it in the ocean
A sound or a sign
A voice of reason
I listen quietly
In hopes she'll talk to me
I've grown into a woman and that has made me cruel
I say
I don't want to be cruel, I am just angry and I don't know whom to bestow it
I sit and play with the sand
that's stuck itself deep within;
the crevices of my toes
The sea doesn't respond
Today she is still
She is in a deep sleep

Sometimes I look for it in the mountains
A small space between the trees
Where I speak somberly
Tears in my eyes
Grief untangling itself from within me
I am angry
I tell the trees
I am a woman who is angry with how they treat me but who in this earth do I point this anger toward
I hope they can hear me
Offer me an answer
What's wrong with me
The wind whistles through
But not a word is uttered
Not a word is spared

I look for it within the earths core
A flaming ball of dirt
She too must feel tired
She too must be angry
I scream
I am angry
I am angry
I am angry
I am a women who has turned sour and mean
I am a women who once was a girl
Which loved all things pink
I am a women who once was kind
I wasn't always this unwise
How do I go back; undo this cruel unkempt life
There is a roar
The sound of desperation
She tried to reach me
but the words won't come out

And sometimes I get so lost
And so scared
That I search for it within myself
Little girl I know you haven't seen me
And I know this is not how you'd like to greet me
But I am angry
And I am lost
I have turned into the woman I never thought I'd be
I have been touched
I have been broken
I have been stolen
I am angry

I am so angry
I am so tired
No one has been listening to me
I have been screaming
I have been searching
I have been asking
But help has never found itself within me
And neither have the answers
I am angry
But who should this anger be awarded
Will you help me

She is silent too
I don't think there is an answer
I don't think the world knows
Not even me
I close my eyes
And fall to my hands and knees
Defeat all too consuming

You are allowed to feel angry
You are allowed to grieve
The anger doesn't need a name
Nor a place to display
The anger is enough
You have been so angry with yourself
But when will you see
That you are good
And good is all you need to be

A voice spoke
It was a little girl
Not much different from who I used to be
It was only when she came close
That I realized she was me
Only much younger
And kinder
Even a little wiser

I saw the girl who used to believe

And the anger seemed to quiet
Only for a moment
As I held what I used to be
What was stolen from me

What do I do now
I ask
Well, she said, let's start with loving pink.