Where The Grass Grows

Sweet 16

A girl sits on her bed
Freshly 9
She giggles while swaying her feet
And she smiles
Her eyes appear as big as saucers
She's happy
She feels the comfort of her mother's hug
And her dad lightly kisses her left cheek
Her brother runs around singing happy birthday
She loves his sweet giggles

She opens her presents
Toys fill the bedroom floor
By now her grandma has come knocking at the door
She gives her a great big hug
Grandma has always been her favorite
"Happy Birthday" grandma says, "do you feel any older"
The little girl smiles and shakes her head
"Does anyone ever feel older than the year before" her grandma laughs
And she thinks life is good

At the end of the day, she's sitting with her feet crisscrossed
Talking to her mom about her special day
She says she can't wait to be 16
Because in all her favorite movies
The cool girls were 16

Her mother laughs and says, "but that's very old"
The little girl thinks
"I don't want to grow old, and I don't want to die" she says, certain
The gravity of death was something she was unable to grapple with
Therefore, she did not want to approach its claws
Its razor-sharp teeth
She did not want to find out what death meant
But she did want to be 16
And so, she awaited her sweet 16

That girl sits on her bed
Freshly 16
Dad left ages ago
Mom must work
And grandma has moved ages away
Her eyes are filled with tears
As her brother yells at her
"Fuck off"
She wondered if he had known it was her special day

She woke up with a headache
She popped an aspirin like candy
And she laid on the bathroom floor
Soaking up the coolness in the tiles
And the emptiness within the walls
She took her razor
The one mom bought her
It was blue; her favorite color
She had once needed it for a school project
Now it's been sitting in the cabinet by the sink
Waiting for its next use

She holds it carefully
And gently she slides it up and down her arms
Digging in beneath the skin
Pushing the blade down and around

Cut, cut, cut,

Red ink seeps out onto the floor
Fresh cuts appear on top of old ones
And the scars from even older ones
And the invisible ones
She smiles at the pain
Feeling no sort of regret or shame
Just nice

She sits there on the bathroom floor
Thinking about her birthday
A few months prior she had overdosed on pills
And a few years before she had been raped
On her eleventh birthday
She can recall being told that had been her present
So, she no longer liked her birthday
And she no longer liked cake
Or presents
But she hoped the house would hold a few
And a chocolate cake would sit at the table
Awaiting her

The house was empty
No streamers or balloons filled the floor
Like all the years before
She was told she could decorate herself
If she really wanted to
But that had no meaning
And she was tired
So, she never got around to it

Her dad hasn't called to wish her a happy birthday
She hasn't heard from him in a while;
It's been months
She decides she's worried about him
But she's tired
So, she doesn't bother calling him

She could hear her brother screaming in his room
Enamored by his video games
He hasn't wished her a happy birthday either
She told herself he forgot because of his games
It was an honest mistake
She was tired
So, she didn't tell him

Her mother went to work
And she didn't want to for her
Because she wasn't little anymore
And she was too tired to do it herself
She had to pay rent
And she couldn't afford a day off
The girl was grateful for her mother's hard work
And didn't ask her for anything more

Her thoughts now landed on her
And the thoughts she once had
On the birthday the year she turned 9
She thought of that girl
And for once she cried
But only just a little
Because it would soon be over
She felt sad for that girl who thought 16 would be a dream
Who thought 16 was going to be amazing
Who thought the scariest thing was dying
Who thought she loved living

16 felt so old now
She was sure she had a few wrinkles
But she didn't care about that now
The scars on her arms seemed much worse than the wrinkles on her forehead
Truth is she'd been cutting for a long time
She covered herself up within baggy clothes
Long sleeves and jeans
No one had noticed
At least the wrinkles were meant to be there
But the scars on her wrists
Were made with her own two hands
Born from the wrath of grief
and the tongue lashing of pain
There was no silver lining within her

She was getting excruciatingly tired
She seemed too always be tired
But now she had a reason
And it felt like a bomb went off inside her head
By now her vision has blurred
She was just so tired
So, she laid her head down
Hoping that when she fell asleep
She would never wake

The girl who once feared death more than anything
Felt more comfort within the flames of death
Then she did the candle of life

So, alone on the bathroom floor
She sang a weak happy birthday to herself
Before blowing out the imaginary birthday candle
The one she daydreamed was in a cake
That sat in front of her
"Happy sweet 16" she cried
Her birthday wish was to go back to being 9

Instead, she closed her eyes
And waited for death to hold her
Because she hadn't really blown out a birthday candle
She blew out her own life.