Where The Grass Grows

Eight Perfect Orange Slices

I peel and dice an orange into eight perfect slices
And I place them onto a platter filled with other
Fruits, vegetables, cheese, and a few kinds of meat
I place the tray on the table
Where two cups of coffee sit
One half full
The other half empty

The sun has barely peaked over the mountains
The clouds have drifted away
Outside it is hot but here at the table
Where we are sat
It is cool

Her hair is all shaggy, full of messy curls
From the night before
Pillows fill the floor
And she has gently wrapped herself within my blanket
To hold onto my smell
She tells me I smell of coconut and vanilla
She smells of silk and rose buds

She is still in her pjs
As am I
Together we are sat
But we do not breach contact
We reminisce the night before
Without saying a word
She reaches for my hand
Holds it softly
I have never felt so loved
The touch of such soft hands
Makes my body buckle and search for more
Crave more
If only she'd have me

Together we ate the platter I had made
We share the orange slices evenly
She took four slices as did I
She drank her coffee slowly, precisely
I chugged mine nervously
I barely touched the platter
Apart from the orange slices I ate
I felt no hunger
Not a hunger food can fill
She smiled
And I swear her eyes caught mine quite a few times

Alas she stood tall and thanked me for the meal
It was delicious she told me
I told her it was no trouble
But she wouldn't leave without thanking me
I gave in and accepted her sweet thank you
I waited impatiently for any mentions of the night prior
Of what we'd done together
But she's stubborn and did not waver in her silence
Not for a second mentioning it

So, I did

"About last night" I spoke

"What about it" she grimaced

"You know what"

"I know" she frowned, "last night was amazing"

Her eyes sparkled remembering

"It was indeed" I smiled, remembering too

Then she simply walked away
It was time to get dressed
When she finished, she thanked me for everything

She said it was time for her to leave
Stay
My insides curdled
I begged her to stay
Because I didn't know how to let her go
I needed her
Stay
She merely smiled
Knowingly

"You know I can't stay, you are brave, but I am not; I can't handle disapproval as you can; you deserve someone who can love you, just as you love them" she says

"I don't love anybody but you" I say, the tears well up within the crevices of her eyes

"I know" she paused and looked well within my eyes, longingly, tears sitting right at the tip of her eyelids, on the edge of falling, "I've never loved anybody other than you, I wish I could offer you some solace, I wish I could leave everything behind and choose you."

"I know" I said gently

"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me
I hope you know that
If only you could stay without ridicule"
She pauses and corrects herself,
"I wish I could love you
And not be afraid"

"I think you are brave" I chime
And then I pull her in softly
Offering a warm hug

She kissed me
Her lips tasted of sweet tangerine
And nectar
Her eyes were soft
A few tears made their way gently down her cheeks
Neither of us cared
She held me like she was holding on to her last lifeline
Like letting go meant dying
When I pulled from her lips there was a struggle

"I don't want to let go" she said

"Then don't" I smiled and kissed her back

"I have to" she pulled from my arms

She walked down the pathed path
I watched as she followed it up the hill
And as she disappeared before me
I held on to whatever fractals of hope was left in me
That maybe one day
She'd come home

For now, I am alone

I turn back inside
I reach the table where four orange slices sat;
Uneaten
She had left hers for me
She had known they were my favorite fruit
And so, spared me her share
Beside it sat a note that read:

-For my Love-
Take my orange slices;
Love comes with many sacrifices,
Some big, some small
And this one,
however big you'd like to call it
—Was made for you—
I love you.

I ate each orange slice alone
Wishing she'd come back
So, I could give her every orange slice
I've ever had
I imagined handing her every orange from every orange tree
Out in the orchid; in my backyard

Oranges are only good temporarily
They too rot and disintegrate
Like all good things
They too go away.