Where The Grass Grows

10 Things You Don't Know About Me

One
I may seem happy
But I promise that deep down I am not
Perhaps, I was born sad
I don't think I've ever really been happy
When I was7
I said I was the ugliest girl in the world
I wonder if I ever loved me

Two
I may say "I know" when you tell me I am beautiful
But deep down I feel ugly
I wonder how it's possible to be this ugly
I don't look in the mirror
I have never liked what I see
I see a small, ugly child
She wants so desperately to be loved
But she never gets any
She's dehydrated and starved
She hasn't been loved in so long
She's beginning to wonder if she'd ever been loved at all

Three
I may seem confident
Like I don't care what anyone has to say
Not about me
Not about what I believe
But when someone screams
I am seven again
And my dad is stood over top of me
Clenching his fists
His palms on the edge of bleeding
I say I don't care
But the little girl in me screams
Because she begged for her life
I begged for someone to save me
But no one ever did
And so, I was left to save myself
And the seven-year-old version of me
And now I hate screaming

Four
I love all gross things
Like rats
People call them annoying
Gross
Rodents
Pests
They don't care about them like they dogs
Because they are not as cute
They are not as pretty
They put out traps with glue
To make sure to rid their house of them
But me; I love them
I take them all in
A group of misfits

Five
I may love you but don't think I trust you
As much as I wish too
Life has roughened me up
A broken messed up image
Of the girl I once was
A wretched reflection
Of the girl that once knew the feeling of love
Who once wasn't afraid of it
But now can't trust a soul with it
Looks back at me
Reminding me why
Why we don't trust a soul with the power of love

Six
I say "sorry" a lot
And I mean it every time I say it
I think I am too much
I'm sorry if it's annoying
And I just seem insecure
I'm sorry
I'm really trying
I'm learning
But I think I just mess up
I hope you understand
Because it feels like nobody ever does

Seven
I don't really talk about me
I may say a story or two about the things I've been through
But they are never connected with feelings
I don't talk about how I process things
Or how I really feel
When someone looks me in the eyes
And tells me to go fuck myself
I don't know how to feel
So, I don't talk about my feelings
I don't know what they are

Eight
I love spring
It's the start of new beginnings
As much as this is a clique
It's romantic
It's the perfect temperature
And the baby animals running around
Fill me with serotonin
Spring brings a peace to the atmosphere
It brings a smile to my face
And it's hard to smile nowadays
So, the things that make me smile
Are things I remember the most

Nine
I love the rain
The earth is crying
In front of 9 billion people
The earth is crying
With no shame
No fear
No regrets
The earth is crying
Beautifully
And then you can always breathe easier
The air smells cleaner
The earth cries
And then it heals
Like what crying does for the human soul
The earth cries
And what a beautiful metaphor that is

I love the rain
I mourn
And I grieve
The loss of the person I'd be without the trauma
Without the loss of my childhood
I wonder if I would be happy
Somedays I think I was born with grief built in me
But others I feel that it was imbedded in me
As I grew up
I wonder if things would be easier for me
I wonder who I'd be
Without the trauma built within me
Without the pain
Who would I be without the rain?

Ten
Last but not least,
I hate me
I really, really fucking hate me.