Colors and Life / Soviet x Reich

Chapter 35

I see Soviet lying on the ground without strength. Blood keeps pouring out of his wound. It is more than just an agony to see the one I love suffer. I cannot help him and feel helpless as I am taken away and see him farther and farther away. I only give up fighting when I can no longer see him. I have no more strength in my body. I close my eyes as I am dragged away. Why should I still fight? Without Soviet my life has no meaning any more. I'm only alive because of him. Only now do I really notice the horrible taste of blood in my mouth. I also only now notice how wet my face is from all the tears.

I don't care, everything I do is worthless. I should have been the one who died and not my Soviet! I get thrown with my back first somewhere. It hurts, but not as much as the pain in my heart. I lie there for a while until I roll over on my stomach and try to free myself from the chains. Barely started, I'm already giving up. Why should I break free? What use is that to me? I use my legs to move into a corner. I lie on my back and look up. Before I die, I'll take revenge! Nobody can do anything to my Soviet without paying for it! Second Reich will regret it!

He will pay with his life! I'll kill him even if that's the last thing I do! My tears don't stop pouring down. Everything feels incredibly cold. My body is shaking from the cold around me and the cold inside me. I've lost the one I love most in the whole world. I never thought it felt as horrible as it feels right now. I should have done something! But what could I have done to save him? I was unable to break free and in any way afford him medical help. Still, I should have done something! It's my fault! If I didn't exist, Soviet would be happy and alive.

He would have someone better than me. There wouldn't even be a war. Second Reich would certainly not have been so cold hearted. Everyone would be better off without me. If only I wouldn't exist! I really only bring suffering, bad luck and death, I can't do anything better. I don't want to live anymore. Why did Soviet have to die and why do I just have to love him? How could he just love someone, no, something like me? He deserves someone better! I look at the ring. Why only me? Why did he only take me of all Countryhumans?

He had taken me from every human, every Statehuman and every Countryhuman in the world. Why? I am the most worthless of the most worthless. What do I have that he is so fond of? Why was I so special to him? I will probably never find out. My tears are slowly stopping and I am very thirsty. My eyes hurt from crying so much. I hear the door to my cell open. I take a quick look. It's Second Reich. He will want more to have killed me! I am waiting for him to come closer to me. He comes closer to me.

I show him my sharp teeth and growl a little bit, he won't let me intimidate him and he comes closer. I push myself off the ground and rush towards him at insane speed. He evades. I fall to the ground, but I push myself up to try again. I try three more times, but I miss him every time. I give up, he can do whatever he wants with me. My life has no meaning anyway, so he should do what he wants with me. He goes to me and takes out a kind of muzzle. He attaches it to my head. Why should I do anything against it?

I also raise my head so he can attach it better. If I don't have this thing on, I'm guaranteed to bite someone or somehow break free when I'm scared or angry. I can tell by the look on his face that he's confused. I put my head back on the floor, even if it's uncomfortable with the thing. I don't want to fight anymore. I never want to fight anything again. In the end, everything is useless anyway. Second Reich is about to leave my cell when I ask him: "Wann werde ich ins Gras beißen? (When will I die?)" He looks at me slightly confused before he says: "Tonight." "Sorge bitte dafür, dass es so schmerzhaft ist, wie es geht. (Please make sure that it is as painful as it can be.)", I ask him, which makes him even more confused.

"Warum das? (Why that?)", he asks me. I answer him with: "Ich will einfach nur dafür leiden, dafür dass ich jedem den Tod bringe, wie in dem Märchen. Sogar der, den ich liebe stirbt wegen mir. Ich hätte niemals existieren sollen! (I just want to suffer for bringing death to everyone, like in the fairy tale. Even the one I love dies because of me. I should never have existed!)" Somehow it looks like he's feeling sorry form the expression on his face. I turn my head in the exact opposite direction. "Weißt du noch um was das Märchen geht? (Do you remember what the fairy tale is about?)", asks Second Reich. "Ja, klar! (Yeah, sure!)", I say, "Es geht darum, dass ein Countryhuman halbweiße Flügel bekommen hat und er seinen Leuten unendliches Pech gebracht hat und sie ihn deswegen umgebracht haben. (Its about a Countryhuman got half white wings and he brought his people endless bad luck and they killed him because of it.)"

"Nicht so ganz. (Not exactly.)", he claims, "Er hat falsche Entscheidungen getroffen und die halbweißen Flügel sollen darstellen, das Ungewöhnliches nicht gut ist. Ich kann mir selbst nicht einmal erklären was für deine halbweißen Flügel gesorgt hat. (He made wrong decisions and the half white wings are supposed to represent that unusual is not good. I can't even explain to myself how you got your half-white wings.)" I get up and come closer to him. "Und das sagst ausgerechnet du! Wegen dir hatte ich Angst, dass mich irgendjemand überhaupt mag, ich irgendjemanden vertrauen kann oder mich jeder auf der ganzen Welt umbringen will! Ich hatte Angst, das Sowjet irgendetwas passieren könnte, doch am Ende ist er gestorben wegen mir! I-Ich... (And that's what you say now! Because of you, I was afraid that anyone would even like me, that I could trust anyone or that everyone in the whole world would want to kill me! I was afraid that something might happen to Soviet, but in the end he died because of it me! I-I...)", at the end I fall silent, because I'm exhausted. I can't get a word out and can no longer form sentences.