A Court of Spark and Shadow; acotar

vi. desire

I'm aware of hands grabbing me and pulling me back to my feet, but my vision wobbles too much for me to see who has a hold of me. The hands are rough, anything but gentle as they pull me away from the balcony, down the red crimson hallway, and into a bathroom. They drop me to the cold tiles and run a tap. They sigh.

"Why Belladonna?"

It is my mother. Her voice is cold. She is angry. She grabs a towel, runs it under the water, and starts dabbing it over my face. The coolness stings my burning cheeks.

"This marriage should be a gift to you. Why would you react in such a way? You should be delighted a High Lord wants to wed you,"

I scowl and shove the towel away from my face. I try to get back to my feet but my hands slip on the counter and I collapse back down. My mother makes no move to grab me. She stands, arms crossed, in front of me, waiting for an explanation.

"Why should I be happy that you and father went behind my back and agreed to a marriage without my consent?" I scowl again, "I do not need a marriage to be happy. Let alone one that I haven't chosen,"

My mother rolls her blue eyes, "Do you not wish for children of your own? For a family?" she looks away from me. Her voice is softer as she adds, "As you said yourself, there are not many people that will cheerfully wed a powerless fae, Bella. You should be appreciative that Eris has proposed one,"

All of my anger leeches out of me. It is replaced by a hollow sadness. Tears prickle my eyes. I look down at my vomit-covered dress and my white hair, loose and untameable. I see how she must see me. And it aches.

"I would rather be alone for all of eternity than be forced to marry him," I say to the floor.

My mother is silent for a moment before she bends down. Her eyes meet mine as she reaches out and clutches my hand in hers. "It is for your own sake, Bella. Not only is he a good match for you, but your marriage will bolster Autumn's relationship with our Court,"

"Why don't you wed Nyx off then? There are plenty of suitors in other Courts. Why must I be wed so fast?"

My mother squeezes my hand as her eyes grow serious, "Your father does not want the others to know but there has been rising tension in the Hewn City. Eris has ancient family ties to Keir. Marriage to him will give us sway over the city,"

I pull my hand from hers, "So I am a pawn?"

My mother's eyebrows scrunch together. She stands. Looking down at me, her tone is drained as she shakes her head, "You are young Belladonna, but you still have a role to play in our Court," her eyes harden, "Nyx will be High Lord one day. He has the rank and power for the position. But your powers haven't emerged yet. And so, your role in our Court will be through Eris, in the Autumn Court," she sighs, her eyes soften, "Do you understand?"

Anger flitters through my emotions. I want nothing more than to protest. To continue to argue with her. But my mother is right. I am powerless. What good am I here? I may as well let them throw me wherever they please, wherever they believe I will be useful - with or without powers. And so, I look down and nod.

I do not look up as she leaves the bathroom, the door thudding behind her. The sounds of the dinner continue, cheerful and boisterous. It is the sound of congratulations and blessings. Although they are not for me. If anyone cared what I wanted, then I wouldn't be in this mess. I would be allowed to read my books and study my poisons, without disruption.

As I get to my shaky feet, I look at myself in the mirror. I truly am a mess. My eyes are red and baggy. I didn't realize I had been crying. As I take in my filthy dress, I can't help but sigh in defeat. Eris is charming and he seems considerate. Although his past with my family and Mor is uncertain and riddled with blunders, my mother seems to think he is a changed fae. And what choice do I have? I can either stay here with a family that wants me gone or I can allow myself to be wed to the Autumn Lord. Perhaps it is the only fate I have. The only one I deserve.