Despising you

Chapter 32

L i s a

I can't sleep. I can't eat. Worst of all, I can't study; Jennie has been ignoring me for a whole week.

Jennie never ignores me. She might avoid me and then send her minions to do her dirty work, but she never downright ignores me. I've tried calling her, sending her messages, I've even been sending her emails for tutoring—like I did the last time she was angry at me.

I hope she's actually been studying the notes because regardless of our situation, I need that commendation letter.

Literally, anytime I try to speak to her at school, she disappears. Normally, I would revel in this; that I angered her, but this time is different.

The difference is that she is so very clearly hurt. I can't stop thinking about her face; the way she cried.

Every time I think about it, my heart clenches. I myself haven't cried since my brother was sentenced to prison when I was eleven.

I didn't even cry when my own father died; I'm just not an emotional person—or maybe I repress most of my emotions. So why did I feel myself almost on the verge of bawling when I saw her cry?

Maybe it's the guilt that had that effect. I never got to choose when I came out; I was viciously outed and I hated that my control was taken from me. So how could I do the same thing to Jennie? Even if circumstances are different and my friends objectively wouldn't tell anyone, that doesn't matter.

It was her secret to tell, even if she doesn't know it yet.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jisoo's voice snaps me out of my inner turmoil.

I'm currently in the school library—which is insanely gigantic. I'm studying with Jimin and Jisoo for an upcoming math exam but really, I'm just thinking about Jennie.

I sigh and nod, but neither of them look convinced.

"What made you finally give in to this thing with Tae, besides getting over him being friends with Jennie?" I ask abruptly.

I mean I always thought Jisoo was just like me when it came to feelings—that she repressed them and would never give Tae a chance. I am pleasantly surprised that they're dating, but I still want to know why—why now?

"That's a random question," she says, furrowing her eyebrows and Jimin does the same, but I just shrug, prompting her to answer.

"I guess it was becoming way too hard denying that I did want him and the fact that it's our last year at YG. The thought that I wouldn't see him every single day ever again kind of scared me." Her face is thoughtful as if she's thinking deeply about her situation.

Jimin and I listen intently, completely entranced by her words. I've literally never heard her speak like this before; she sounds so free, so...soft. she's being brutally honest and it's making me think even harder.

Does it scare me that I potentially won't see Jennie again after I leave YG? I used to think it would be like heaven, but I'm not really sure anymore.

She blushes. "I finally let myself have someone."

"That is so sappy."

"That is so sweet," Jimin says at the same time as me.

Jisoo smiles at Jimin and just sticks her middle finger up at me and I blow her a kiss. It's my duty as her best friend to make fun of her when she says anything remotely emotional, that's just how it is.

"Why did you ask that anyway?" Jisoo asks, confused.

I take a deep breath before talking. "I think I'm starting to...tolerate Jennie."