Despising you

Chapter 36

J e n n i e

Is it possible to feel completely light? To have five years of repression melt into an almost empty void—something that's still there but is fading slowly? That's how I feel. It's how I've felt this whole last week, moping in my bed and crying every night about my sexuality.

Tae was there, keeping me up to date with Lisa, because I never doubted that I would want her after sorting myself out. That was only cemented further when I went to her house yesterday. I wanted to stay after spilling my heart out to her, but I knew she would need space after my words. I just hope she comes today.

My doorbell rings and I ready myself to answer it, my heart falling out of my chest. It's her. It has to be, right? I open the door... it isn't her. Instead, it's Kai.

My first train of thought is to be angry, but I did invite him over too. I didn't expect him to come this early though.

"Hey, I got your text," he says, walking into my house. "Is everything okay? I've barely heard from you all week."

His concern doesn't really do much for me, but I understand it. Like he said, I haven't spoken to him at all this past week.

"We need to talk," I tell him with a sigh.

"Okay?"

"We need to break up," I say, trying to stifle how bored I am. "Save me the frivolity of it all. There's a box of your stuff." I gesture to the small cardboard box of his things next to my door. It's mostly just some of his clothes and a few of the jewellery he's gifted me over the course of our relationship.

His eyebrows furrow and his hands are placed on his hips. He's shaking his head as if he can't believe the words that are coming out of my voice. I'm expecting him to cry or maybe shout, I'm not sure. Probably beg to have me back—

"You're such a bitch." I didn't expect that response or the callous laugh.

As shocked as I am, I just shrug. "I know." Of course, I'm a bitch, I always have been. He knows that and it's not like he's a saint.

"Seriously? This is how you're ending a two-year relationship?"

"Don't make me laugh. This was barely a relationship." I stare at my nails, inspecting how neat they look today. "You've cheated on me the whole time."

"Why the fuck do you think I did that?" he blurts out angrily.

"Don't tell me that you're sitting here blaming me for your cheating?" I almost laugh out loud.

"I—I only did it in front of you," he mumbles, slightly ducking his head.

"What?" I ask confused, the look in his eyes snaps me away from my boredom.

"Cheating," he clarifies. "I never slept with anyone else, I just asked a few girls to kiss me out in the open, when you were around."

"What? Why?"

"I wanted your attention!" He bellows out. "From the beginning, that's all I've ever wanted. I tried anything to make you act out, to show that you wanted me," he shakes his head with a sad laugh, "but none of it ever worked."

"So you thought that was the way to go about it?" I don't mean to sound judgmental but I can't help it. Is this guy serious? You wanted my attention so you kissed other girls in front of me?

"Oh please!" he says, suddenly angry again. "So only you have the privilege of acting out for attention? Only you get to do stupid shit?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, a pit of fear growing in my stomach.