Despising you

Chapter 42

L i s a

Is this what my father felt? Agony? Torture? I could lay here forever and not move an inch, sinking into my feelings and wallow into my misery. I wouldn't feel guilty about it either because that's the thing about what I'm feeling, it's selfish. It doesn't care about anyone else, nothing else matters, not even myself.

People say that you can't sleep or eat when your heart breaks, but I don't seem to suffer from that problem. I eat. Sometimes, I stuff my face until I'm too distracted to think. I sleep too, because she's there in my dreams.

I'm not sure how much time has passed since I slammed the door in Jennie's face. I know it's been days, I'm not sure how many, but I know that Jungkook's wedding is in two days. I can't even fathom getting out of my bed for that, but I have to.

I can't get her words out of my head. "Irene was blackmailing me." It should have been enough for me to forgive her; she was scared of being outed, so she broke my heart. But it's not enough, it's not a good enough excuse.

She's probably lying anyway; I saw her holding Irene's hand and how she protected her against me, she wants her. I can't let her back in, not when she's a selfish bitch who only thinks about herself. That's all she thought about when she spoke to Irene, when she degraded me—her own reputation, her own feelings.

Well, it's time I put my own feelings first—so I'm moping, crying, doing whatever I want—until I can purge Jennie out of my mind.

That's why I stood by the door or rather sat. I heard Jennie crying, every sob. It was horrifyingly upsetting, but I was frozen in place. God, I hate thinking about it, as much as I hate thinking about her face when I spoke to her. How dare she stand there and cry?

A knock on my door snaps me out of my thoughts, but I don't answer. It's probably Jungkook. He's been very worried about me for days, but I didn't tell him what happened with Jennie and I.

Tae has surprisingly been checking up on me, but he's given me space too. I wanted to tell my friends, but it seems that Jennie has manipulated them because anytime they speak to me, they try to convince me to forgive her. So, I've blocked their numbers. I've also told Jungkook not to let them in. I don't have the time to deal with anyone who wants to vouch for Jennie. I'm too furious for that.

"Okay I'm coming in. I knocked five times." Jungkook's voice calls out.

Suddenly, I feel the covers being snatched from on top of me, I whine in protest, but he ignores me. "I was just on the computer and a UCAS alert came in. You got in to Oxford!" When I don't respond, he keeps talking. "Now I know you don't like celebrating, but I already saved up some money for this day. As soon as I come back from my honeymoon, I am taking you wherever you want, whenever you want—"

"I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want anything," I tell him tiredly, "I don't care." I pull the covers back over my head. I don't want to see anything right now, especially the painting hanging over my drawer. The same painting Jennie got me and the same one I cannot seem to throw out.

He pulls them back off and I glare at him. "You've been working for this for years and you don't care?"

"I knew I was getting in." I try to pull the covers back up but, he holds the blanket in place.

"Don't you want to celebrate?" His voice sounds desperate, pity overtaking his expression.

"How are you gonna celebrate?"

Acid rises up my throat as I look up at Jungkook and all I can see is her. Oxford. My dream. I don't care anymore. I never thought I'd become someone like this, someone so utterly pathetic that can't manage to think of anyone else, besides her.