Despising you

Chapter 41

J e n n i e

Cold. Lisa looked so cold when she stumbled into my house yesterday. Goosebumps littered on her arms and her hair soaked. She looked even colder as she heard me speak—as she heard the vile, untrue things that I threw her way.

Tae blew up my phone, practically cussing me out for what happened. According to him, Lisa didn't tell him anything, she just cried. I made her cry. I've never make her cry, even when I was being so unbelievably horrible in the past.

Tae has been avoiding me or maybe I've been avoiding him? Irene left soon after Lisa did, making sure to threaten me one last time before she left.

As soon as she left, I ran to my bathroom and puked. I couldn't stop. The vile things I spat at Lisa choked my very body violently—almost as if my body was punishing me for what I had done. I deserved it, of course I did.

So that's it. I have to stay away from the girl I love because if I don't, Irene will ruin her future. How did this happen? I was happy for a small amount of time before once again, something slaps me in the face.

I can't stop thinking about the expression on her face when I told her she was nothing to me.

She told me she loved me. The words I so desperately wanted to hear, but now I wish I never heard them, not like that. I didn't deserve to hear them. I called her a dyke after I said I wouldn't, after I admitted that I was one myself! What is wrong with me?

My doorbell rings, but I don't get up from the sofa, I stay rooted in my spot—I've been watching mean girls since this morning—it's all I can manage to watch.

I try to ignore the doorbell, but it keeps ringing, again and again. It has to be someone who has my code, it won't be Kai. Lisa has always known my code since she first came to my house, but it won't be her. I know it won't.

I stand up and walk towards the door in frustration, I swing open the door and my anger almost dies when I see Jisoo standing there.

"Lisa isn't telling us what happened, but she won't get out of bed. Jimin hates you, Tae doesn't want to speak to you, but I want to know what happened," she rambles in a huff, pushing past me into my house.

What is it with people barging past me into my own house?

All I can think when I see Jisoo is how Lisa is.

"Is Lis okay? Has she eaten? Did her cold get worse from being in the rain—"

"Jennie," she repeats, cutting me off, "what happened?"

"She's angry at me," I say solemnly, leaning against my wall. What am I supposed to say? Irene said not to tell anyone, but then again it's not like she can hear me. Maybe I just don't have the energy for it.

"Is that it?" She quirks an eyebrow like she doesn't believe me.

"Yeah."

"She's been angry at you before, hasn't she? What's different now? Why are you like this?" She gestures to me and her tone sets me off, like how dare I be upset? As if this whole thing is frivolous.

"It's different!" I bellow out and she looks taken aback. "It was different before when she was angry at me, I loved it because I didn't have anything else of hers. But now? Now I've had her happiness, her warmth ..." I breathe out shakily, my hands bunched up onto my chest, "I've had her comfort and just the thought of her having her anger again... it's destroying me."

I fall into the sofa, my head falling into my hands. I can't bear to look at anyone right now. I can't do this. How did I think I could stay away from Lisa? Just the thought of it is burning me.