Despising you

Chapter 35

L i s a

Another week has passed by without Jennie so much as uttering a word to me. The only difference this time is that... she's just not around. She hasn't even shown up to school.

At first, I was worried. I even asked Tae about it, but he assured me she was fine and just needed some time for something. I know she wants me; I know she likes me. That much is clear considering she almost killed Alex when she walked in on us. I like her too—that's clear because I didn't even want to be in there with him in the first place.

He keeps shooting me knowing looks every time I see him with Jisoo, but I keep brushing it off. Maybe Jennie told him? But that makes no sense, she would never tell anyone.

Even Christmas and new year went by this week. I was tempted to send her a Christmas gift, but I don't even celebrate the holiday. I don't have a shred of excitement in my body regardless, all because she's sucked it out of me as well as my trauma.

I still can't believe I told her about my father and my past. I've never even spoken about it with my friends, only Jungkook knows how bad it was. She sat there and comforted me, no judgment, no malice. She came back even after I was being rude and she didn't ridicule me for having a panic attack about a pair of headphones—another reason why this week has been so hard, I don't have my headphones to comfort me.

She needed this week, either to accept her sexuality or deny it even further I'm not sure. All I know is that she needed this space and maybe so did I. I felt entirely too vulnerable after telling her about my past, but somehow safe at the same time.

I've been good this week. I've sent Jennie tutoring emails and left it at that, no matter how much I want to send her a regular message... or even call her. I'm trying to be a good person, give her space to breathe and sort through her stuff.

After all I've been in the same position as her, although I never suffered from internalized homophobia to that extent.

God, this is so tiring. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I have to end up liking a girl who literally despises gay people but is gay herself?

"Lisa, can you stay after class please?" Mr Khalid's voice slices into my thoughts and I look up and just nod, disoriented.

When the bell rings, I make my way towards him after everyone else has left the class. His eyebrows are furrowed in concern, a pen twiddling in between his fingers.

He waits for a moment before he asks, "Are you okay?"

The question throws me off guard for a moment. "Yeah, I'm fine."

His eyes narrow in disbelief. "You've been completely spaced out this whole lesson. It's completely unlike you."

"I'm fine, I'm just tired," I repeat, trying to make my tired tone sound more normal.

He nods, but it doesn't seem like he believes me. "Well I just thought I should let you know I've sent your letter off and I attached a request to make you top priority when receiving an answer." He turns his laptop around showing me the email. "So, expect a letter of acceptance in the next month tops."

"Or a rejection letter," I counter tiredly and the shock on his face is palpable.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I ignore his question. "Why did you send my letter off early? I thought you were waiting for the final exams?"

I mean, he made a whole big deal about me having to tutor Jennie until final exams, it's the whole reason I'm in this mess in the first place.

A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "I was always going to send the letter off Lisa, regardless of if Jennie passed or not."

"So you lied?" I ask, confused and maybe slightly angry.