PERFECT CANVAS ━━━ luke patterson.

xi. the grudge

THE HEATER was not cooperating when I walked in, which only worsened the state I'm in.

I wanted to just dive face first into my bed and yell. Hoping my pillow could muffle it enough that there would be no need for the neighbors to complain.

Though, instead of letting my frustration and anger out that way I settled on a different option, my thoughts unable to stray from the instrument in my room. Not giving myself a chance to second guess myself because I knew I needed to get this out of my system. And doing this was better than getting any noise complaints because I definitely don't need another call from my mom.

The boys ditching Julie for a twenty-five year old grudge was the beginning of this feeling, but only lightly. The call from my mother just amplified it from ten to one hundred, and I was not about to just sit in my anger and wallow about what I could've done different.

I'm tired. So tired of my mom making me want to rip my hair out. Of her only picking arguments and never being good enough. I can't even remember the last time her and I had a conversation that didn't end in one of us yelling at each other.

Making a beeline for my room, I shut the door behind me, pulling my father's journal from off the shelf and onto my bed. Shortly after, I join it with my father's guitar in hands and my back against the wall.

Flipping through the pages, almost all the way to the back, I stop on the song I had finally finished writing. A song that started when the arguments with my mom were getting worse and worse and seemed to have no end. And if the song wasn't finished before tonight, I know for a fact that I could've completed it within an hour from when I got home.

It pretty sums up how I feel, especially after tonight and needing a way to get my feelings out. And at this moment it feels the most appropriate to officially play the whole thing.

I review the chords I had written on the page before strumming, not allowing myself to think on this too much because if I do I'll hesitate and I really don't need that right now.

I play the chords for a moment until it feels like the right moment to start the song.

"I have nightmares each week about that Friday in May. One phone call from you and my entire world was changed. Trust that you betrayed, confusion that still lingers. You took everything I love and crushed it in between your fingers."

The frustration I feel still is a weight on my chest as I sing, but it also morphs into sadness as I revel on how far my mother and I have grown apart.

"And I doubt you ever think about the damage that you did. But I hold on to every detail like my life depends on it."

She never looks back, never looks regretful for the words that have been said to me. Instead, she'll just turn around, emotionless, go back to doing her own thing. While I would stand there, wondering how a mother could say some of these things to her daughter.

"My undying love, now I hold it like a grudge. And I hear your voice every time that I think I'm not enough."

She's my family, my mom, it feels wrong not to have some sort of love toward her. Then I'll remember all the things she's done, and how she probably could care less about me with constantly making me feel as though whatever I do will never change her thoughts of me.

I want to roll my eyes as I think about that, but I keep going with the song.

"And I try to be tough, but I wanna scream. How could anybody do the things you did so easily? And I say I don't care, I say that I'm fine. But you know I can't let it go I've tried, I've tried, I've tried for so long. It takes strength to forgive but I don't feel strong."