the unforgiven | james hetfield [2]

ten

chapter ten: unforgiven still

After that night, Iris decided to slowly put her walls down around James, but not completely. That night had marked the first of many times when they would become more vulnerable with each other. 

Of course, that wasn't happening overnight. Even though they were spending time together again, it was hard to have things go back to "normal," whatever that was.

Did normal mean being separated for good? It would only take a couple of months for that to become the "new normal." Or did normal mean to be together again?

Right now, James wasn't completely forgiven by Iris. She would forgive him the day he proved to her that all of this was genuine and not him leading her on false hope.

He didn't have anyone to confide in about their problems. Not even the band knew that he was seeing her again, and they witnessed the fallout of their relationship firsthand. 

It wasn't that James felt embarrassed or ashamed, it was simply none of their business. He was still pretending as if things were fine in front of them just to avoid the conversation.

Iris just happened to be the only person he felt the most comfortable around to tell his feelings to, but with the current status of their relationship, that wasn't always a viable option either. 

If given enough liquid courage, he'd manage to let all of it out, but that's the one thing he was trying to avoid. It would take him a lot more to do that if he was stone-cold sober.

It caught Iris by surprise that he managed to be so open at that moment. She still didn't fully trust him, but after what he told her, she felt a need to be there for him. 

Did she feel comfortable enough to tell him her feelings too? No, not really. She would also need enough liquid courage to say how detrimental their separation was for her.

Iris told James how deep her trust issues ran the first time they met. And he promised that he would never do that to her, but in time, he did it anyway.

If she was to suddenly tell him how deeply insecure the girls and the words he said made her feel, who was to say he wasn't going to turn right back around and throw it in her face for the second time?

Sober James was never the type to hit her where it hurt the most. James when he was drunk, that was a different story. He didn't have any feelings when he acted that way with anyone.

That was why she couldn't trust him again. Him knowing the depth of her personal demons was enough. Once he knew, she was just waiting for the moment when he would twist the knife.

The problem wasn't the alcohol, not whatever James did, but the fact that they were too scared to communicate with each other. As if things were better off that way. 

It was more difficult when James would be around Iris just to be around her. They wouldn't be doing anything in particular besides sitting around, and that was enough for him.

But he didn't want things to be that way. He wanted to communicate and make her feel seen and loved. He wanted to show her that he didn't have any bad intentions with her.

The only thing holding him back was that he simply didn't know how to do it without coming off as an asshole. And Iris, with her walls constantly held up, wasn't making it any easier on him. 

As much as she wanted to push him away like she did with everyone else, she was still trying to ease up on him and give them the chance. 

She would never say this part out loud (yet), but she didn't mind the last couple of days with him. She actually enjoyed him being around. Sometimes.

In the time during their separation, she ultimately forgot what it was like to have someone by her side. Someone that she cared about genuinely as much as James at least. 

Despite all the hurt, the lies, and the words that were said, she still cared about him. His addiction was not an excuse for the things he had done, but he was there for her when she needed someone. 

It was impossible to stay away despite everything. She couldn't just throw away everything he had done for her. She couldn't throw being together for almost ten years.

Was it so bad if she wanted that again? To be loved by the person who once made her feel like things would finally get better for once?

She had a right to feel closed off from him, and she had a right to let him back in. Which path she wanted to take was something she wanted to figure out on her own.

James was going to try no matter what, but that didn't mean he was going to succeed. This was only the beginning stages of mending their relationship, and it was ultimately up to her.

He still loved her, and he was always going to love her. But he was the one who did the damage, and if she decided in the end she was going to move on, he would still love her. 

Even though things were continuing to be tense and awkward between them, there was always that sliver of hope that lingered between them.

Time would tell the fate of their relationship. But for now, they were struggling with their pasts and what that was going to mean for the future.