the unforgiven | james hetfield [2]

twelve

chapter twelve: away

As Iris came home from work, she noticed her answering machine had been flashing as if there was a message left for her.

She clicked play, expecting it to be a regular message notifying her about something important, but stopped dead in her tracks when she heard James's voice.

"Hey Iris, I won't be coming by tonight. The guys and I are going to the studio for a bit, so you don't have to worry about me spoiling your night."

Iris let out a sigh of relief as she listened to the message end, almost happy that she wouldn't have to have James come over to her house. She needed her space for a minute.

But she also felt kind of bad when he told her that he wouldn't spoil her night. He never spoiled her night, as much as she may have acted that way at times.

She didn't want him to feel that way, but she didn't want to be relieved about it either. He wasn't bombarding her every single day, and she didn't mind the past couple of days with him.

They were simply in a weird spot. They were on good terms, but at the same time, not completely. Iris seemed to be content to see him, other times not so much. 

Iris didn't know what she wanted out of this. James was going to keep trying unless she said one day that things were permanently over, and she didn't want things to be like that.

She gave him the chance to come back into her life, knowing things wouldn't be perfect. There was so much uncertainty about what could happen in the future, however long this phase would last. 

Maybe she was too comfortable being alone. It was reminiscent of when they first met, the constant attempts to push him away always failed. She liked having him around, as much as she hated it.

The guilt was eating away at her as she thought about how she was partially at fault for how distant they seemed. If she wasn't so cold and bitter, maybe things would be easier on them. 

She was being too harsh with James, or at least that's what it felt like. It felt like every other night he was baring his soul for her just so he could get her approval, just to slightly shut him down. 

It wasn't that she wanted to be distant, she was simply trying to protect herself. He had hurt her so deeply it was to a point where she never wanted anything to do with him again. 

It was crazy how he managed to get her to put her walls down in just a couple of days. When he first came around, she forced herself to remain guarded. In time, that changed.

She became more vulnerable around him, the constant reminder of what they once had playing in the back of her mind. How could you get away from someone who had known so much about you?

He was already dealing with enough on his own for so long, even if she didn't know the full extent of how deep his problems had gone. That wasn't ever going to be an excuse.

She told herself she wasn't going to give James any second chances just because he was in a rough spot at the moment. He knew what he had done, sober or not.

Iris never wanted to trust him or get close to him again. There was no telling if this small reunion was going to just ruin them all over again. Things were over if he made one mistake.

And that was final.

Who was she kidding, she couldn't leave James to fend for himself. He expressed how much he needed someone to help him through all of this, and she happened to be the only one there for him.

If he couldn't even confide in the band about all the emotions he was feeling, then who would he go to? She wasn't exactly happy with James, but that didn't mean she didn't care about him either. 

Iris was conflicted, too nervous to wait and see how all of this would play out, and too impatient to continue dealing with James if nothing was going to be fixed. 

He was the same man she had once loved deeply, the same one who would shatter her heart, and yet she still couldn't bring herself to get rid of him for good.

As she sat alone in the empty apartment, there was an uneasy feeling washed over her. She had become so used to having James around again, that it felt wrong to be completely alone.

All these conflicting emotions surrounding Iris were going to make her bound to break at some point. She wondered if James was also dealing with the same thing. 

Probably not, getting her back was the only thing on her mind. At least that's what it looked like when he was in front of her, maybe things were different once he was alone.

Iris sighed as she laid back on the couch, staring at the ceiling above her. It would probably be easier for her to put her walls down and brace herself for whatever was going to come. 

James kept showing her that he was going to fight for what they once had. Iris had to start believing in him.