E and O

Part 7

Liv had managed another month without seeing Elliot. Neither of them had tried to talk about what happened at his apartment. No calls. No texts. No talking. Except now it was Bernie's birthday and she had called Olivia herself and invited her over to celebrate. So Liv bit down the bile in her throat, pulled on a nice dress and drove over to the OC squad room. She could feel his eyes on her the second that she entered and without Noah there she was finding it hard to avoid his eyes. Or hands, where they gripped his scotch glass. Or his bare forearms that were showing because he had rolled up the arms of his shirt. Or the vein bulging in his neck each time her dress brushed along her skin the right way.  
Liv was washing glasses in the breakroom when El entered the room and closed the door behind him. Liv knew who it was even without turning around. She could feel him. It set her body on edge the same way it did when she felt and saw his eyes rake over her. 
"I'm not doing this" She told him as she finished the last glass, placing it on the side before she dried her hands. 
"Doing what?" She finally turned to face him
"Talking to you about what happened between us" 
"You came over to my apartment and..." El trailed off not sure how to finish his sentence without hurting her or getting on her nerves. 
"I screwed you" She finished for him, he nodded. 
"Why?" Liv scoffed. 
"Why?" 
"The scars and what you said at the hospital-"
"I screwed you because I meant what I said at the hospital. I went after what I wanted. I'm done talking about this" She moved to storm past him but he caught her by her wrist, holding her to him. 
"Why don't you want to talk about this?"  
"I screwed you El!" She bit back harshly, louder than she intended "I told you how I felt and you threw it back in my face. I screwed you to get you to change your mind but you didn't. So let's just forget that it ever happened" He released her wrist and let her storm out of the room, quickly following behind her. Liv had froze two feet from the door because their friends eyes were on them. They had heard every word. 
"How much of that did you hear?" El asked. 
"There's a vent. We heard everything after 'I screwed you'" Anaya told them. He felt Liv grimace in front of him although he couldn't see her face. 
"Just living up to my title as Elliot's mistress" Liv muttered. 
"Liv" El reached for her but Liv pulled her arm away as if he had burned her. 
"I've got to go, Noah's home in an hour" She told him although her eyes never met his "Happy birthday Bernie" She smiled, hugging the older woman before she left the squad room. 
"You screwed her?" Fin was the first to speak up. 
"She showed up at my apartment and tried to kiss me" 
"So you screwed her?" Kathleen chimed in. 
"I... gave her what she wanted" He vaguely explained.
"What exactly did she want?" Fin asked.
"She said 'I want to forget. Please help me forget.' Why does that matter?"
"She's spiraling. She hasn't screwed anyone since before you got back, the last guy turned out to be a big mistake" Fin told him and realization crossed his face "What else happened?"
"She freaked when I touched her"
"Touched her where?" Fin asked and El could see the grimaces on his children's faces.
"Does it matter? I should've sent her home" El sighed.
"You think?" Fin replied sarcastically.
"What do I do?"
"Apologize" Kathleen suggested.
"Tell her you love her" Fin suggested.
"Don't screw her again" Maureen suggested.
"Marry her" Bernie suggested.
"I can't go near her" Elliot grumbled before he grabbed his jacket and headed towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Randall called after him.
"Out"

Elliot sat down on the couch as his therapist sat opposite him.
"Where do you want to start?" He asked.
"I hurt the woman that I love"
"What did you do to Olivia?"
"She told me that she loved me and I didn't say it back. I told her that it was all a lie"
"Why?"
"Because she said 'you die, I die' and I can't be the reason that her son grows up without her. I can't be the reason that this world doesn't have Olivia Benson in it" He admitted, wiping away the tear that had fallen from her eye.
"But is living without her, is living side by side but not having her enough for you?"
"No. But I won't be the reason that the world loses her, no matter how much it hurts" He admitted, more tears falling down her cheeks.
"But isn't love worth the risk?" El shook his head.
"I can't hurt her"
"You already did. You broke her heart, twice"