Without You

XVIII

He woke up late the next morning and he couldn't bring himself to move. He stayed in the bed for days until Addison made him shower, but still, he wasn't there. She saw his absence as a bad thing but she couldn't put her finger on what was wrong. The scar on his stomach had healed and he hadn't seen her in days. He began to walk to Meredith's favorite spot on his land, right over the water. He sat there all throughout the days and he felt the purpose slipping from his body.

She had saved him, and he couldn't save her. Had he moved her out of the way, they wouldn't be like this. He would be with her, or at least; he would still be able to speak to her. A month had gone by and he had just began to feel her loss when his phone started ringing. He sighed and picked up, still sitting on his rock by the water.

"She's waking up." Richards voice made his head hurt.
"What?" Derek asked, his voice soft in disbelief.
"Meredith's brain scan has activity. She is breathing by herself, and she will be waking up in around an hour."

He couldn't even speak and he ran as fast as he could to his car. It didn't matter that he was wearing cargos and a Columbia jacket. It didn't matter that he had a beard. He drove to the hospital and his hands shook as he turned the corner and looked into her room. He opened the door and their eyes locked. He smiled and she smiled back at him.

His heart pounded in his chest and she looked away, dismissing her friends. They all got up and walked out of the room, letting the door close behind them.

"Hi." He breathed, walking towards her.
"Hey." She smiled and he sat on the bed, facing her.

"You're here" He whispered as she pressed her forehead to his. He held her cheek and instantly tears filled his eyes as he began to laugh. She wiped his tears away and laughed with him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he held her waist.

"I was out long enough for you to grow a beard huh?" She asked, pulling back and scratching it. He started laughing and she grinned, her nails running through it. He let his eyes close and enjoyed the feeling of her breath against his cheek.

"Did you stand up yet?" He asked.
"Stood up, took a shower, vigorously." She nodded.
"Scoot over." He said, making her smile.

She moved over and he laid gently beside her. He laid back and she moved her head against his chest. For the first time in a long time, his heart slowed down, and his lungs took in air effortlessly, as if her simple presence could silence all his doubts.

He laid there and instantly slept peacefully for the first time in 2 weeks. When he woke up, he felt her body clutching his and stroked her head till she woke up too.

He kissed her head and she heard his pager ring before moving off him. He got out of the bed and grabbed it from the table before sighing.

"I have to go." He whispered.
"Okay." She nodded, "Yeah."
"You page me if you need anything." He said.

She smiled as he held her cheeks and left a kiss on her forehead too.

"Meredith, I..." He hesitated as he turned around at the door. His eyes were on hers and she looked confused, trying to figure out what he was trying to say.

"I'll be back in a few hours to drive you home, okay?" He asked. She nodded and he left the room before she went back to resting.

When he came back, she was dressed and wearing a green sweater and dark jeans. She turned to see him in the door and instantly frowned. His brows furrowed in confusion as he came up behind her, teasingly placing his hands on her hips.

"Don't touch me." She said harshly, moving out of his grip.
"What's wrong Mer?" He asked softly, as she folded clothes.
"You knew." She said, turning to him. "You knew about..."
"About what?" His voice soft, a concerned look on him.
"You knew I was pregnant." She said, glaring at him.

He stepped back and watched the hate burning in her eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but no words escaped, not even an apology. She waited for him to speak and after a minute, she turned back to her bag, folding the clothes into it.

He shut the door and the privacy shield before walking to her. His lips hovered at her ears and he hesitated.

"It wasn't my place." He breathed into her ear.
"You would have been the father, Derek." She said firmly.
"I'm sorry." He breathed softly, truly meaning it.
"Yeah. Me too, Derek. I'm sorry too." She said softly.
"Mer, can we talk about this, please?" He asked.

She sat on her bed and he pulled a chair up to it, facing her. He didn't know what to say, or feel.

"I would have kept it, Derek." She said quietly, "If I had known, I would have kept it."

"Losing you, was impossible, Meredith." He said quietly.
"You don't understand how impossible it was for me."
"You're right." He said, agreeing wholeheartedly.
"What are we doing, Derek?" She asked softly.
"I don't know." He breathed, "I don't know."
"I don't want to keep doing this." She shook her head.
"Mer..." He trailed ever so quietly, "No."
"I have a boyfriend, Derek." She whispered.
"He's not... he doesn't deserve you. He's not good enough."
"He doesn't have a wife." She said quietly.

They were silent for a while and she leaned over, zipping her bag. She got everything ready and sighed.

"You should go." She said quietly. "We shouldn't have done this at all."

He got up and left the room to hide the tears that were threatening to flow from his eyes. He walked to his car and drove home, and as soon as he entered his trailer, he ran into the bathroom, emptying his stomach into the toilet bowl. His throat burned and he coughed as Addison came behind him and gently rubbed his back.

"What's wrong, Derek?" She asked.
"I feel sick." He shook his head, "Really fucking sick."