Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

I missed you

1 week later

I laid curled up in Billie's bed with puffy eyes and a huge headache. I hardly would leave her bed, I haven't even showered in a week. I knew I probably stunk, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the scent that lingered in Billie's pillows. Her whole bed smelt just like her, a vanilla scent.

Other then just laying in her bed, I would get up to go to the bathroom. I have hardly eaten anything all week and it's starting to show. I was weak and could barely walk across the room. Finneas has stopped by multiple times to try and get me out of bed, but I would refuse every time.

Nothing could make me want to a leave this bed, well, maybe except for one thing that lingered in the back of my head. All I was able to think about after that night was how this was my fault, whether she kept telling me it wasn't, I couldn't help but feel like it was.

It would eat away at me so badly. I've already harmed myself because of how much it bothered me. I would cry and cry until I couldn't take it, so then I'd go into the bathroom and use the knife that Billie would use. I left multiple deep cuts on my arms, but none of them seemed deep enough.

Billie told me she wanted to see me live after her, and she wanted to see me happy, but I don't think I could do it. I didn't think I could keep going. I couldn't live without her. I didn't want to live knowing this was my fault. I didn't deserve to live.

I had been thinking about it for days, I even had a plan in my head. I had already written something for the people who would miss me. I know it seems cowardly to give up, but everybody dies, and I couldn't help but think, when will I?

I sat up and stared off into the distance. I felt myself get lost in thought for what felt like hours. I eventually snapped back to reality. I looked around the still destroyed room and looked down to myself. My messy oily hair, the bags under my eyes, the heaviness in my head, and the cuts on my wrists. Everything only made my decision more clear. It was my time.

I slowly stood up and stumbled for a moment as I tried to walk. I went to her closet and pulled out the sweater she would always let me wear. I put it on and felt tears brim my eyes to the sweet smell of her that I missed. I walked over to her dresser and took out a long chain with a blohsh at the end of it. It was the blohsh I had found in her car the night she left.

I put it around my neck and held it tightly before looking around the room one last time. I would miss this room, and the memories that came with it. I turned the handle to her bedroom door and left.

I walked down the hallway to see Maggie sitting at the table with Finneas.

"Oh, hey sweetie, how you doing?" Maggie walked over to me and gave me a hug. I hugged her back tightly knowing it would be the last time I would hug her. It took everything in me to not cry. She pulled away and rested her hands on my shoulders.

"Are you doing okay?" I nodded my head and looked away. "I um.. I'm going out for a little.." Maggie nodded while giving me a smile. "It's good to see you're getting out of bed." I nodded and looked towards Finneas. I guess he could tell by the way I was looking at him I needed a hug from him too.

He got up and wrapped his arms around me. I took in as much as I could since this is the last time I'd feel this. I pulled away and I made my way out the door while saying goodbye.

I walked over to Billie's car that Finneas had brought back from the cliff side. He would have to go get it again though, because that's where I'll be leaving it. I got in the car and drove off. I remembered how much Billie loved the sound of her car, she would always tell me that was her favourite sound.

When I got to a red light, I plugged in the aux to my phone and went through my files to find a specific song that could not be found anywhere else. The piano gently played through and I fought myself from crying.

It was no use, tears instantly streamed down my face. I tried my best to focus on the road even though my eyes were getting blurry.

It felt like hours but I eventually made it to where I was going. I parked the car and shut it off. It suddenly became very dark since it was night. I sat in my seat not wanting to step outside yet. I knew the second I stepped outside the image of Billie would flood my brain.

I came here to do what she came here to do. I couldn't do this anymore. I blamed myself too much and I didn't deserve to live happily, I couldn't without her. I knew I shouldn't but I didn't want to live anymore, and I was very serious on my decision. There was no going back.

I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. I took a few steps forward and stopped once I could see the water below me. I looked ahead and admired the view in front of me. The view never left me disappointed. The only thing is, is that now when I come here I can't think of the beautiful memories me and Billie shared. The first time she brought me here, we sat on the grass and she told me how she truly was feeling. It hurt me to know that I couldn't help her. I couldn't save her, and I didn't.

Now the only thing I could imagine was her staring at me with tears in her eyes when she let herself go. I could've grabbed her, I could've held her, I could've stopped her, but I didn't. I couldn't even process what had happened when it did. Everything felt like a blur. The only thing I could think of was the sight of her falling. Once she fell, you couldn't even see her at the bottom. The ocean had taken her.

I felt my heart ache. I held the blohsh in my hand and gave it a soft kiss as I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and stood on the edge. This is the last time I would be here.

I leaned forward and my mind went numb as my feet left the ground. I could only hear the wind around my face and the sounds of waves below me. As soon as the cold water hit me, everything went black.

I couldn't feel. I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. All my senses were gone. I couldn't feel the pain inside me anymore. Everything was numb. My heartbeat and my breathing was gone. I was finally gone. Everything was black.

"My love..."

I heard a soft voice somewhere, but where? I tried my best to look around but I still couldn't see. Suddenly a light formed a bit ahead of me. I walked towards it and that's when I saw her.

Tears filled my eyes and I ran to her, instantly holding her in a tight hug as she kissed my forehead.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too Billie."

.

The End.