Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

Forgive me

"Billie!"

I turned around to see Ava staring at me with a worried expression and red eyes. She stepped closer to me trying to pull me closer to her, but I put my hands up not letting her get to me. She looked at me confused. She tilted her head down and stared at the grass.

"Billie look I-"

"No.." I cut her off. "I don't want to hear it... I thought it would always just be you and me. But I think you see things differently..." I did my best to hold back the lump in my throat, but it was no use.

"I thought maybe you could heal me... I thought maybe you were the one that could finally make me happy..." I felt tears begin to boil over and spill past my cheeks. She came closer and I let her this time. She put her hand on my cheek. I wanted to stop her but everyhing just hurt and I felt like I could hardly move.

"Billie... I have and always will love you... I can help you.." She tried to look into my eyes but I held my gaze down. I furrowed my eyebrows and clenched my jaw. I pushed her away and looked at her with my fists balled up.

"If you loved me so much then why were you with that other girl?!" I couldn't control my tears at this point, they just slipped out uncontrollably. All my pain, sadness, and anger was being released all at once.

"You dont even know how much that shit hurt! Seeing you with someone else... I guess I'm just not enough for you! Or maybe you just can't deal with me anymore.."

The last part I said sadly as I looked back down at my feet.

"Billie look.. I never meant for anything to happen... we were too drunk.. and I-I couldn't think straight.. I'm so-"

I cut her off again.

"I needed you Ava.. I wish you never left me alone.. I will never forget about this.. I- I-" tears spilled from my eyes some more. "I have n-never felt a pain like t-this before... It makes me wish I never fell in love with you.."

Her face looked almost pale after I said that. She looked to the side and I could see the guilt in her face. I didn't want any apologies from her, if I'm being honest, I'm going to be the one to apologize for my next decisions.

"Ava..." She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I do still love you.. it's just that this pain in me is far greater then any pain I've ever felt. I've broken so much overtime to the point where there's no chance in healing.. I am very grateful for you giving me the best few weeks I've had in along time. I hate to end it this way, but I've never felt so much love for a person in my life.. "

"Billie-" She looked at me confused as she stepped closer.

"I hope you can forgive me.. and I want you to know, that I don't want you to miss me.. I don't want you to be sad.. I will miss you.. I'm sorry." My voice cracked when I said I'm sorry, followed by more tears.

"Why are you saying all of this.. Billie your not going anywhere!" I watched her as she panicked. I reached my arms forward and placed them on her hips, bringing her closer.

"Look.. Ava.. I don't care if they call me weak.. or that I gave up because I wasn't strong enough.. just know that there is nothing you could've done to save me.. I was already too far gone..."

Before she could say anything I pulled her in and kissed her passionately. I kissed her as if I was giving her my life, as if it's the last kiss I'll ever share with her. I placed my hands on either sides of her face as I held her there for as long as I could. I didn't want to let her go, but the pain I feel and the pain she caused me was too much for me to handle.

Once our lips were apart, I kept my eyes closed and rested my forehead on hers.

"I love you... I'm sorry.." I let go of her and walked backwards towards the edge.

"Billie! No! Please don't do this please! I can't live without you! Please Billie stay I'm sorry!" She walked closer to me balling her eyes out.

"I took a breath and gave her a soft smile.

"Thank you for everything.. I forgive you... I love you.. goodbye."

A single tear fell down my cheek as I fell backwards into the wind. I closed my eyes and thought of every good moment I had with Ava. Our first kiss, the way we talked, our first date, the first time we made love, the way she saved me, she was my first love. She was my world, and I wish I could've given her more, but she deserved better than me.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I've dug myself into a deep hole that I can't get out of. There's no way out but down...

I felt the air around me before everything went black.

I got Everything I wanted.

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A/N

I'm sorry guys...

910 words