Everything I Wanted // Billie Eilish

Goodbyes hurt

Billie POV

I gripped my chest tight as I rolled around in bed sobbing. I couldn't believe she would do this. She didn't seem like the person to do such a thing. I really thought she loved me. This is exactly why I didn't want to fall in love. Falling in love always has left me hurt. I just thought that she cared. I've told her so much about my mental health and depression, I thought maybe I had finally found a person who could help heal me.

But I was wrong.

I kept opening my phone to look at the picture, hoping each time there was a chance of it not being her. But I found myself dissappointed each time.

"Fuuuck!" I yelled out as clenched my jaw and continued gripping the shirt on my chest. Tears streamed down my face as I continued sobbing loudly. I wouldn't be surprised if he neighbors could hear me.

Throughout all this crying I couldn't help but remember, that before I went to sleep, I was up for a very long time finishing that song I was making, the one that Finneas didn't like. I had written the whole song without him, in the studio in his old room. It broke my heart to think about the chorus I had written, specifically who the chorus was about...

I laid in my bed hyperventilating trying my best to stop the crying. I looked down at my phone and opened mine and her messages. I started texting her and telling her that I didn't want to see her. I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not. I wasn't fully sure if I did or didn't want to see her. All I know is that she hurt me, and I dont think I could ever forgive her.

I sat up from my bed and looked at the name on my screen one more time. I felt  anger boil over me and I whipped my phone across the room. It hit one of my shoe shelves, making multiple pairs of sneakers fall down. I walked over to it and picked it up, observing the shattered screen. I threw my phone onto the bed and found myself beginning to demolish my room, just like last time.

I had so much pain inside me that everything seemed like a blur, It felt like I couldn't even control what I was doing. I just didn't want to be in pain anymore. I wanted this all to just go away. The love of my life was gone to me. I was foolish to fall in love with her, considering she never loved me. I never expected something like this from her. I knew I had a weird feeling the moment she left.

I placed my hands on my dresser and held my head low, watching the droplets of tears fall to the floor. I looked up to my arms and focused on the one that was still wrapped in bandages. I clenched my teeth together and ripped off the bandage. I winced in pain but then threw the bandage on the floor.

I looked over the wounds that were starting to bleed slightly due to the way I ripped off the bandage. I opened my drawer and pulled out the knife I always had hidden. I examined it over and brought it down to my skin. I was about to draw it against my skin but I hesitated as flashbacks flooded my mind.

I thought about the way I laid on the floor bleeding out, while Ava held me in her arms. Whispering things like, please, stay with me, domt leave me, I love you.

I felt myself shiver and whimper as I dropped the knife to the floor and collapsed onto my knees. I sobbed on the floor. I couldn't do this anymore. This pain is too much for me to handle. Call me weak, I don't care, cause maybe I am. I wasn't strong enough to keep going. Maybe I was giving up. It didn't take much for all this pain to just be gone. Then this burden would be gone in everybody's lives.

My mind felt foggy and once I knew my next decision, I was locked in. Was not a good one, but I felt like it was about time.

...

I quickly ran out the door as I shoved past my mom. I couldn't look into her eyes, cause then I'd feel the guilt in me for leaving her. I quickly turned around before she went inside.

"Mom?" She turned to me.

"What's up Billie?" I shifted my feet and tried not to cry. I walked forward and gave her the most loving hug I could give.

"I'm sorry. I love you." I said to her. She didn't think anything of it. She just smiled and said I love you back. Good.

I turned around and got into my car before speeding down the street. It felt like I had been driving for hours before I finally reached my destination. I turned off the car and rested my head on the steering wheel. I cried silent tears as I thought of certain things. This pain was going to be gone for good.

I lofted my head and reached into my glove box. I had brought a few things with me because I knew what I was intending on doing. I pulled out a piece of paper, a pen, and an envelope. I sat in my car for awhile writing on that piece of paper. Many thoughts and feeling were being put into it.

When I was finished I folded he paper and stuck it inside the envelope. Before I sealed it I reached into my pocket and pulled out a USB stick. I played with it in my fingers before sticking it into the envelope as well. I licked the edges and sealed it shut. I then flipped it over and scribbled a name on the front.

I sighed and looked out the front window. I couldn't cry anymore, I felt empty inside. I felt like all my tears are gone, I had no tears left to cry. I opened my car door and stepped outside into the dark around me. It was already night time and I slowly walked down a path towards the place I would go to to escape.

This was going to be the last time I saw myself here. I looked around and felt a sharp pain come to my chest as I thought of the memories me and Ava shared here. Our first kiss was here.. I guess I did have a few tears left since I felt a few roll down my cheeks. The cold air made them sting against my warm skin.

I walked over to the edge of the cliff and looked down at the view infront of me. I closed my eyes as I felt the cool air whip through my hair. I took in a sharp breath as I shivered. My skin felt cool but my face felt hot. Hot tears turned into cool tears as the wind hit them on my face.

It only took one step for this pain to be gone. I would never hurt anyone again. I wouldn't be hurting anymore. I wouldn't worry people anymore. Everyone could be happier. So much happier. Without me.

As much as I wanted to stay for the people who did "care for me," the negative always out weighted the positive, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I would miss my mom, my brother, my dad, my friends, and as much as it hurt me, even Ava. Maybe it was possible for me to forgive her. Maybe I just wasn't enough for her. Or maybe I stressed her out too much.

Would she even be hurt once I was gone? Would she even care? I slowly leaned forward as I let my thoughts consume me. Would she even miss me when I'm gone?

I was quickly pulled out of my thoughts to the sound of a car pull up behind me and some one shouting my name.

"Billie!"
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A/N
Oh shit...

1373 words