Painfully yours

Broken.

Arya's P.O.V.
_________

I was titillated . I was inflamed. I was lustful.

He dragged me up by my hair staring into my eyes. My chest heaved but he didn't glance at it. Tricia grabbed my hands and pulled my body towards the bed as my locks tangled in Xavier's clutch combing through it making me wince.

She threw me on the bed and I propped on my elbows trying to crawl away from them. I felt unsafe and insecure. My heart throbbed and I worried. Worried that this may turn into something horribly painful. I wasn't afraid of the pain. I wanted physical pain. I was afraid of emotions. Mine, Xavier's and Tricia's. When I looked into Xavier's eyes. He wasn't there. The soft and playful one. The Xavier behind me, was the one who had hurt me seriously and many times. I was scared of him. I was scared of what he meant when he said worst.

Tricia held my ankles and I failed to move even two inches further. She climbed on top me, straddling my back and pushed my head into the mattress restricting my breathing.

"Now cupcake. If you move without permission. It only gets worse and worse. And worse." She said pressuring my head and dragging her manicured extensions across my bare back. It left like blunt knifes scraping my skin.

She shifted back sitting on my lower back leaning forward and bringing my face to side and I breathed erratically. She kissed my exposed cheek that was stamped with my hair. She sat on me with my hands restrainted under her knees with her one hand on my head and one on my back. She was relatively bigger than me. More toned and tall but with a little effort I could topple her down. Problem was, she's not alone.

Xavier lay down on his back beside me his face directly facing my restrained head. "Tell me little."

"What?" I whispered. I didn't fight. My heart beat palpably wondering if he was going to unleash sinister on my unsuspecting limbs. Would he do it now?

"Who hurt you?" Xavier said looking into my eyes.

"You?" My eyebrows raised up.

"Before you met me." His face was non chalant, just interrogative. Before him? Who hurt me? My eyebrows crease and my stomach clenched and muscles felt tighter everywhere as I squeezed my eyes shut. Why does he know someone hurt me?

"How do you know?" My face was angered beaneath Tricia's palm. And he neared my face scooting closer.

"I know your body." He kissed my forehead. He does. I don't know how and why. It seems like he gives me what I need and sometimes even takes away what I need because he knows. I'm certain that only he can deliver the right amount of pain or love. My dots joined just a few days back when I was lost in thought.

I was broken inside way before Xavier. Only his torment could give me happiness and I was a fool to run away from it when that's what I needed the most. I only hate him for distancing me when I need him but he's right. He's always been right. Why did he know this?

My trauma had made this subject touchy and I never pondered upon it but if I had the time to inspect it, I was very well broken and all I needed was tough love. I hadn't tried therapy yet but I trusted Xavier with the physical aspect of it.

He made this subject much more bearable and opened doors for me that I thought were forever closed. I couldn't fantasize and I couldn't touch myself. It was deep rooted in me now. The mere act brought back horrible memories. But Xavier changed that for me. I wanted to see myself in the mirror. The very body, I hated seeing, being inside. His touch changed everything. How I looked at myself, how I felt about myself. I almost wanted to thank him.

I used to think that if he were less tyrannising, I would've loved him sooner and that's not true. I wouldn't ever be able to open up and I'm thankful he broke down these walls that caged me.