i would rather die than stop loving you.
literally.
---
"Hanahaki." Haewon finds herself whispering in the bathroom of a convenience store, "Hana-ha-ki," she repeated, letting the words circulate around the small four-walled room, "ridiculous." She numbly flushed the lily petals down the toilet, staring at them unblinkingly. It was 8:04 pm and she only had ten minutes to get the food that Lily had asked her for.
It's 8:20 when Haewon knocks on Lily's apartment door, quietly tapping her fingers to a beat she didn't know the name of on her jeans, her throat has been incredibly scratchy since earlier that day. It's irritable, but Haewon can deal and overcome it, just for Lily.
"Haewon!" Lily giggled as soon as she opened the door, her loud exclamation making Haewon jump a bit out of her daze, quickly smiling and hugging her. "Did you bring everything?" The short haired girl rushes Haewon into her small one bedroom apartment, letting all of the plastic bag's contents onto the kitchen counter, the clutter giving Haewon a headache.
"Yeah," she replies, seemingly happy, "I wouldn't forget!" her lungs are burning. It's suffocating.
It's 8:50 when Haewon starts dozing off and thinking about the situation at hand. Lily is her most precious friend, nothing in the world would compare to how valuable she is in Haewon's life. She'd rather die by her side than allow a pesky disease force her to tell Lily her feelings, ruining their relationship forever. Would she even have the courage to ruin their friendship? she asks herself. She only has another two weeks to live, she won't ever have the courage to confess her feelings. Haewon felt the smooth marble of Lily's counter underneath her fingertips. What would Lily's fingertips feel like?
"Now, I know I'm not good at making bento boxes, but I've seen enough youtube videos and I think I got the hang of it," Lily promises, her lips curving into a smile, Haewon wonders how soft they are, though she's aware she will never know. Haewon mumbles an undistinguishable response and sits on one of the wooden stools in her friend's kitchen, she can hear rain beginning to sprinkle outside the window. "You okay, Won?"
"Have you ever loved someone so much that you would be willing to die before ruining your friendship?" It's 9:02 when she asks this, ignoring Lily's question. It's 9:04 when the other girl decides to respond.
"I'm not sure." She responds, "Do you want your sausage cut like a little squid?" They drop the subject, Haewon's lungs are about to explode.
She runs to the bathroom, opening the door right in time, petals and blood gushing out of her. In no time, Lily enters the room behind her, hands still messy from the food she was making for the two of them. "Haewon, oh my God." She whispers, horrified.
Haewon is ashamed. She's ashamed of what has happened, she's never wanted it to get this far, she was attracted to her best friend, but she never expected it to get so far she was willing to die than to ruin everything between them. It's humorous to her, really. She has two weeks to live, and the chances are that she'd spend every single one of those days with the person who has caused her to have the illness.
"It's Hanahaki." Haewon laughs quietly, "I didn't want you to know. It's embarassing." The clock reads 9:30 and she still tastes blood in her mouth. "I have two weeks."
"Is-is it.."
"Yes."
Nothing of the subject is anything either of them have been through, the clock on Lily's wall seemingly ticking louder and louder as the time goes by. The silence is overbearing, neither of them know what to say, what to think.
"I'm sorry, Haewon. I think it's time for you to go."
It's 9:47 when Lily shuts the door on Haewon, the noise seeming ominous. "How ironic," Haewon wryly whispers to herself, clutching one of the flowers – lilies - in her hand, afraid of letting it fall carelessly onto the cold wooden ground.
Haewon gets an envelope in the mail later that week with no return address, only a check made out for her and a note, "For the surgery," in familiar handwriting, "Thank you for being there for me all these years. I'm glad we had a long run."
Haewon decides to not get the surgery, leaving the check back at Lily's door in the same envelope and a potted tulip next to it, right before the two week mark.
Maybe they were never meant to be, after all.
