and heaven knows i'm miserable now.
---
Falling into the couch, Yoona reached out for her phone from the back of her pocket where she hastily slid the lock open. Her lips were trembling and all she saw was a blur of faces that belonged to strangers that she's seen all day. Tapping on the 'messages' icon, Yoona tapped her finger onto the contact she had been trying to reach.
"i'm sorry. i'm going to run again. don't chase me. don't wait for me. don't look for me, Yoona. it'll be a waste of time." sent December 9th, 2022. A year ago.
"You always had a reason to run away," Yoona says to no one in particular. "I just didn't know why."
Yoona worries whether Yunjin still used the same number. She worries about her whereabouts and how she's doing everyday. But she knew it was wrong to send a text.
There isn't a skip in the moment that goes by where Yoona doesn't remember that day. Lily and Haewon had practically locked her phone in a safe for a day to prevent her from getting in contact with Yunjin. She was a mess and a wreck, but she wondered what would've happened if she had caught on with Yunjin and had run away with her too.
She was angry at herself for quite sometime until she realized that she should've been mad at Yunjin. But she could never do that to her. Yunjin was like a puzzle. She was hard to figure out at first but Yoona managed to get through her. The silence of awe that she creates... Yoona felt herself clinging onto her heart just as tenderly as Yunjin used to hold hers.
"People always want to bleed and to be loved." Yunjin used to say. The girl laughed to herself, finally understanding what she had meant by that.
She loved and loved and loved and loved until it consumed her. And now all Yoona ever does is bleed from her absence. Everything's broken and gone, Yoona thinks. (And as stupid as it sounds, she liked to think that Yunjin was always close by.)
Sighing, her fingers hovers over the keyboard, Yunjin's final text still circling her head. "Don't wait for me. Don't chase me. Don't look for me."
But Yoona doesn't care anymore. She pours all her thoughts, all the messages she knows she will never send on the keyboard.
"something reminded me of you today." Backspace, delete.
"I hate you for what you did, yet I still think about the possibility of you coming home and showing up at my front door." Backspace, delete.
"I had a dream of you last night" Backspace, delete.
"come back." Backspace, delete.
"do you ever think of me?" Backspace, delete.
"why did you leave?" Backspace, delete.
"hey." Sent.
