Blue Girl

He thinks I'm Pretty?

Elsie|Age 15
Freshman Year

There were times I thought maybe we shared the same feelings for each other and we were both just being shy and coy about them. It was hard to imagine that Liam could harbor feelings for me, but I thought if I wished hard enough, if I wanted it bad enough, he would say he felt the same.

During winter break of our freshman year, I stayed the night at Liam's house on Christmas Eve. Mom had been particularly fucked up around that time and Isabel and John, (Liam's father) always had a place for me, even on holidays.

We lay in bed snuggled with peppermint cocoas watching The Grinch. It was something we'd been doing every Christmas Eve since we met. I liked having traditions with them. It felt like I had a family again. On that particular day, I was feeling brave enough to try to find out if he had any feelings for me.

"Hey Liam?" I whispered.

"What is it Blue?" He asked.

"How come you've never had a girlfriend? You know all the girls are swooning over you lately?" I asked. I tried playing it cool, I was afraid of sounding to eager to hear his answer.

He set his cocoa down, sat up and looked me in my eyes. "Why would I date some girl when I've got you, Blue? I've got everything I want right here at home."

"W-what do you mean?!" I choke out. "What are you saying?"

Hearing him say what I wanted to hear out loud didn't feel as good as I thought it would, or maybe it just felt too good. My heart was racing a trillion miles a minute and I felt hot. It was hard to breathe. But he just chuckled at me and said "Plus if I did have a girlfriend I'd just compare her to you. I mean, you're my best friend so there's a lot my future girlfriend's gonna have to live up to. She's gotta be as pretty as you too."

"Oh." I said.

He thinks I'm pretty?

He thinks I'm pretty.

He thinks I'm pretty.

He continued, "anyways, once you get a boyfriend, I'll have to give up my spot of number one guy in Elsie Peterson's life. Let me enjoy this while I can." He laughed and laughed like it was a joke to him. Which of course made me feel like a joke to him. I nodded and then stayed silent for a while. This silence between us felt oddly loud for me though. I figured he was just being nice. I don't know why I thought he would ever like me beyond our friendship. He had never treated me as anything more than a sister. It was embarrassing to think about.

He scooted close to me and we lay back down, snuggled in the now dark room, listening to the quiet, falling snow outside. After a while, he wrapped his arm around me, kissed my head and whispered,

"Please just be only my Blue for as long as possible. I don't know how to share you." And that was it. Shortly after, he was snoring.

I couldn't sleep after what he had just said. Did he think I was asleep? Or did he know I was listening? Why had he said it? So many thoughts were racing through my head. I lay awake in his bed for hours, wondering what that moment meant for us. If it meant anything at all.

The next morning we woke up for presents with his family and everything went back to normal. It was a perfect Christmas. Eventually I pushed his words to the back of my mind.

The thought of what we shared as friends ending due to my one sided feelings made me want to die. If our friendship ended because of me having a stupid crush, then I would bury those feelings. in my heart. He might think I'm pretty, but if Liam wanted me he would say so. I guess I was right because a month later he would start dating Samantha. It hurt. Watching him look at another girl that way was torture, but I was okay with that because Liam was my best friend.

I wanted his happiness so badly that I didn't care if it was from someone else. But I just felt stupid for not saying anything about how I felt.