Love amongst Essex

Nightmares

TW: PANIC ATTACK, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

Bella's POV:

I was watching Lion Guard, my favorite comfort cartoon since it first came out. It was a little after 3 am the last time I checked the time. I was enjoying the Christmas special by listening to the dumb song when I didn't even know it... When I closed my eyes to softly sing along to the song, I had fallen asleep and I didn't even know it...

Until I was having one of my worst night terrors and it felt so lucid, it felt so real. I swung out of bed with a scream before I sat next to my bed and softly began to cry.

Why am I so weak? Why am I crying? Bella pull yourself together.

But it already had started.

I started to choke on the air that was left in my lungs...

I started to suffocate...

My head felt so light yet it was pounded, throbbing is a good word for it...

My vision began to be blurry, tears poured from my ears...

I began to disassociate from the room... Like my tether that was holding me to this earth snapped.

I was lost...

I felt small...

Weak...

Alone...

Vulnerable...

I felt utterly disgusting. Like I was a worthless piece of shit, I felt... Disturbed with myself.

I tried to cry softly and quietly as I was not sure if I woke up the girls with my scream...

Shit, my scream... I must of woken them... Shit they are going to hate me... they should hate me, I am disgusting and worthless... I am a monster...

Soon I heard a knock from my bedroom door. "Bella?" I heard Zuri say from the other side of the door. "Bella?? Are you okay?" She asked once more and knocked on the door.

I couldn't respond. I couldn't tell her I needed help, I couldn't tell her to go away. Fuck I am suffocating. I might pass out.

I deserve to pass out.

I deserve to die.

I was wrong, my dad was right.

I am a worthless piece of shit.

"Bella?" Sade said from the other side of the door. "I'm coming in..." She said as she opened the door. The dim light from the hallway had to of semi lit up my room making me visible.

"Oh my god, Bella are you okay??" Zuri said trying to get past Sade I could hear the struggle. "Stop Zuri, this is what happened at the airport..." I heard Sade whisper yell. Soon I heard Diana. "Is she okay?" She asked in a worried tone.

Sade didn't waste a second more and came over to me. I had a tight grip around my legs and my head was spinning from the lack of oxygen.

I felt the presence of Sade sitting down next to me. She began to rub circled on my back. My back was tense but started to melt to her touch. "Hey hey you are okay, you are here it's okay," She whispered pulling me into a hug and something I didn't think I would do I hugged her back burying myself into her, like I used to do with Tom and Noah. Why do I trust her so much?

I heard the girls leave and shut the door behind them.

"Hey Bella, it's okay sweetheart. You're here with me. It's okay. You are okay..." She said whispering in my ear. I was snuggled into her crying into her chest. Her black silk robe now starting to become wet. I hadn't even realized until now I was in her lap. I couldn't let go though. Even if I tried. I was clinging to her like my life depended on it. I was buried deep into her chest, and I would be a blushing mess if I could get out of my head that I was disgusting and this must be revolting her.