the world as we know it -- bellarke au

chapter eighteen - painted wall

b e l l a m y   b l a k e

An hour into the final stage, we couldn't move a muscle. 

Even shifting positions hurt, and I was eternally grateful to feel Clarke's chest rising and falling beneath my hands. I wasn't sure I'd be able to help her if something bad happened. Even breathing was agonizing.

"Do you still think about Wells?" I asked after a while.

The question seemed to catch her completely off guard. "I... I guess. Sometimes. When I'm falling asleep, and I remember how much I hated him. For no reason." 

"What about Atom?" I asked. 

"I think about all of them," Clarke said. 

"Me too," I agreed. There was another silence. "Where do you think we go when we die?"

"I don't know," she replied. "Hopefully somewhere nice."

"Beachy," I added.

"You've never been to a beach," she pointed out. 

"Exactly," I said.

I sighed, then froze as my ribcage started to ache. I had forgotten to take small breaths. 

"Everything would've been so different," I said quietly. "If we'd landed where we were supposed to. People wouldn't have died. We'd never have had to fight with the grounders."

"Or we would've fought here, and we'd still have nowhere to live," Clarke replied. 

"You're always so optimistic." I shifted my arm, then inhaled sharply.

"You know me. Always sunshine and positivity." 

"It's funny, you know. When I was... well, dying, everything got darker. I thought you were supposed to go towards the light, or something. But the brightest thing in the room was you. And going towards that saved my life, I think."

Clarke went silent again, and I could tell something was wrong. Her breathing was quickening, like she was trying not to cry. 

I suddenly felt very stupid. "I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have brought all that up."

Clarke inhaled shakily, and I could imagine how much it hurt. "Bellamy," she said, her voice wavering. "I don't want---"

"You're not going to die," I said. 

"No," she said. "I mean, I don't want you to die."

My heart fluttered. "I don't want you to die either," I said softly. "You're kind of my best friend, you know."

Clarke's breathing started to become more even, which was good. I didn't want her to be in pain. "You're kind of mine, too."

My jaw started to ache, and I was pretty sure hers did too, because neither of us said anything else for a long while.

---

Time started to blur together. I wasn't sure how long we laid there, but the longer we did, the more I started to hope. Hope it would be over soon, that we were nearly there, that maybe Clarke would say something soon. I wanted to talk to her, but I didn't want to make her talk just because I was bored. 

No, bored wasn't the right word. The pain was a distraction from the boredom. I wanted a distraction. And I liked Clarke's voice. It was comforting. Familiar. 

I wondered if Raven was still outside. If she was, I couldn't hear her. She would know we didn't want to talk. But she wouldn't leave, would she? Not when she knew what we were going through.