END OF BEGINNING- a byler fanfiction/ stranger things s5

One Year Ago...

Summary: How Mike Realised His Feelings For Will

a/n: I think I accidentally quoted Jonathan Byers somewhere here but I'm all for a Karen Wheeler redemption arc. I also strongly believe Karen knows what's up and has since season 1.

Incorrect Quote from season one by Karen: "I want you to feel like you can talk to me. About anything. 

Very Incorrect Quote: "I know what you are, Michael Wheeler.

Word Count: 873

The first time I realised, or subconsciously realised I guess because it wasn't fully-formed in my head yet, was at literally the worst possible time.

We were doing the Sauna Test on Billy. Max was talking to him at the door, when Will brought his hand up to his neck in that eerie way and said to me, to me and no one else;

"He's here."

I stared at him and he stared back. I was transfixed. "Max get away from the door."

"What?"

Then it broke, and I yelled; "Get away from the door!"

***

I couldn't believe they were moving. The Byers' house looked so different without all of that crazy shit on the walls and the floor. It looked so bare, so empty, as if it wasn't ever theirs at all. I couldn't believe that Will and El weren't going to be in Hawkins anymore.

I had lost El for a year already once. Now she was going again.

A couple of years ago, Will disappeared for two weeks, and we all thought he was dead for a while. Now he was going to be gone in a different way, in a way that wasn't temporary. It was hard to imagine Will being away, living somewhere else.

Everything was going to change. Again. I wish things would stop changing.

"Woah dude, that's the donation box."

"I know. I'll just use yours when I come back. You know, if we still wanna play." Shit. That stupid fight in the rain. It's not my fault you don't like girls!

"But, what if you wanna join another party?"

"Not possible." I think that was the best sentence I've ever heard in my life. I couldn't help myself from smiling like an idiot.

So things were cool with us. We hadn't really talked properly since the fight, where I said all that stupid stuff I didn't mean. It's not my fault you don't like girls. Why would I even say that? Why would I even think that?

To be honest, I had kind of forgotten about what I said in the cabin. "Can we please come up with another plan because I love her and I can't lose her again?"

It's weird how three little words can mean so many things. How there's a cataclysmic difference between 'I love you' to your family and to your friends and 'I love you' to a girlfriend/boyfriend.

I do love her and I don't want to lose her but I didn't think it would be such a big deal or a surprise. I love all of my friends. I love El, but not like that. Not yet anyway. Isn't that kind of love for older people anyway? I don't love her the way Nancy and Jonathan love each other, or the way Leia and Han love each other.

So when I said that, I meant it. Then when I tried to tell her in Starcourt, I couldn't. Maybe because I didn't want to, because it wasn't true in the way it was meant to be.

So when El mentioned that Max had told her what I said about my feelings in the cabin, two things went through my mind; shit and I'm going to murder Max Mayfield.

Two thoughts I've had before but felt more passionately in the moment. I tried to avoid it.

"I don't really remember- what did I say exactly?"

Then El kissed me and said 'I love you too.'

So, I should've felt relieved right? Relieved that I wasn't horrifically rejected. Relieved that maybe it wasn't a big deal, because look at how easily El said it to me.

Really, I was just confused. You're probably supposed to have a reaction in the ballpark of positive when someone says they love you, right? Well, I was still feeling pretty murderous towards a particular ginger and I was still thinking very much SHIT.

Things are moving way too fast for me to keep up. I wonder sometimes if I'm stupid or slow or something.

Then they left and I wasn't confused. I was actually the saddest I think I've ever been in my life, apart from when we thought Will was dead or when we thought El was possibly dead and at least missing.

I know everyone was crying, but I felt like the biggest baby there.

Then I went home and hugged my mom for like ten minutes, with this weird feeling in my chest like there was a big gaping hole where my vital organs should be.

My mom doesn't get a lot, but she gives good hugs, and really good speeches.

"I'm always here for you if you ever need to talk to me about anything, okay? Always."

It's a nice sentiment but I don't know if I've ever gone to my mom to talk to her about anything.

I used to always go to Will.