NovaHD Booklet

Out Of Your Mind

Story Song: Islands - Young The Giant 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q7QkZRaSuI

Word Count: 1237

Aleks' P.O.V

I suppose it could have been hard on the guys, neither of us giving an explanation nor letting them help us. 

They didn't know what to do, and recording suffered because of it, the fear that either one of us could break down at any moment so strong that they chose to play it safe and not film us at all.

I guess I understand them not knowing what to do. 

Break ups were one thing, but never had there been an interoffice romance before, and they didn't want to pick sides. 

I get it, I do, but it left me kind of not knowing what to do. I had no one to talk to. 

I was at a loss. James was my life. 

In a way, that was our dumb mistake. We were just so madly in love with each other that the possibility we could break up and have no one to talk to was cast aside. 

We texted once, trying to gauge one another's schedules so we saw each other as little as possible. 

He seemed pissed at me, but I was passed pissed. I was deeply, genuinely saddened at him for not thinking of me long enough to put his hands on another man, and angry at myself for not making it work. 

It had been two weeks maybe, but it felt like a year, the longest and hardest year of my life. My wounds were still very fresh despite us being together a month after he cheated on me in the first place. 

I didn't tell the guys he did. Even when we were going through all that shit, we had our brave faces on, and none of them knew. I knew James felt guilty and constantly tried to make up for it, but the guys wouldn't understand, and I didn't want them to think less of James. 

He was still so important to me, and I found it hard to do anything else when he was always on my mind. I considered taking a break from my channel a little, but once I saw James uploading just as much as before, I realized that I shouldn't give him the upper hand, shouldn't let him and the fans down. I needed to put on another brave face. 

It was.. Hard, to say the least, to record. To pretend my heart wasn't shattered, pretend that I could actually laugh. It was hard to read the comments, and hard to edit the video all whilst looking at the mound of shit I had turned into. Greasy hair and break outs and unkept facial hair, even more so than usual. Because it was from my torso up, nobody saw the stained sweatpants that adorned my legs and had been for weeks. 

I added a face cam as little as possible, and mostly recorded CS:GO since I enjoyed the game in the first place and I never normally put a face cam on it, so it didn't seem out of place.

It was a particularly rough day one Monday morning, after spending the whole weekend in bed instead of doing something more productive. 

I dodged texts and calls, and my room was dark and depressing. 

It was hard to bring myself to do it, but I realized that I'd feel better if I tried to clean up a little. 

I didn't mess with my appearance quite yet, not ready to lose myself in the shower, but I did make my bed and straighten out the apartment. 

Jordan came into my office just as I was setting up for the day. 

My backpack fell from my shoulders, and I grabbed the opened water bottle I brought from home, a noise of surprise pushing past my lips as he knocked. 

I told him to come in, my voice hoarse from lack of use. I cleared my throat, but wouldn't know if it was better until I spoke again. 

"Hey Aleks," The tall blonde greeted, gently closing the door behind him, staying pressed against it.

"What do you need?" My voice was better, but not by much. 

"I just wanted to tell you that James is here. I know you haven't seen each other since the.. Break up, and I thought I'd warn you." My throat felt tight and thick with tears, and I turned away from him and nodded my head, words unable to form. 

"Aleks?" He asked, and I shot him a watery smile without a response. He surprised me by wrapping his arms tightly around me, squeezing me in a bone crushing hug. 

"Talk to me if you need anything." He said, already out the door before I had the chance to return the hug.

I sat down on the edge of one of my chairs, cupping my hands over my eyes and letting some tears soak my palms. 

After an hour or two of editing, I decided to go out of my office. I tried to justify it by needing a snack, ignoring the fact that I had a bag brimming with them. 

I wanted to stretch my legs I guess, I was tired of the darkness in my office and in my home and in my life. 

And I wanted to see him.

I wanted to see if he looked as bad as me, or felt as bad as I felt. I don't even know if I can look at him without bursting into tears, but I guess giving it a shot never hurt anybody.

I was already plenty hurt.

I walked down the hallway, pretending to not notice the stares I was getting from the interns and the couple guys recording the fanmail segment as I made my way to the kitchen. I could've sworn one of them called my name, but I ignored it.

The fridge door shut and I noticed the man behind it before he noticed me. Once he did though, his grip tightened on the water bottle. 

He did look as bad as I did. His hair was in that cute shaggy mess like his fingers had been running through it, a thin sheen of grease covering the top layer. He had dark bags under his bloodshot eyes, and he looked paler than usual. Maybe it was from seeing me, maybe it was in general. 

We both just gazed at each other, not saying anything and not moving.

In the blink of an eye, he threw his arms around my neck, pulling me tight against him and letting out a low sob into my neck.

Tears pricked my eyes as I held him just as tight, both of us squeezing to make sure the other was really real. 

"I miss my best friend." He sobbed, soaking my shirt, but I didn't care. 

"Why did you give up on me?" He said in a low whine that conveyed his broken heart, and shattered mine more. I tried to suck in some breaths to banish the tears away, but it didn't work and I quickly gave up. 

I pulled away from him, my arms still resting on his hips. 

"Why did you hurt me? Why did you touch another man, why was I out of your mind?" I said, the quivering of my bottom lip making it hard to talk as tears ran down my face. He just pulled me against him again, cradling my head and taking care of me. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I love you, Aleks."