Living In The Shadows by Alayna Marie Ayres

Chapter 5 looking through ones self

Life is journey through paths and roads we all must walk through to get through the past of our lives which wasn't easy for me to deal with or let go form this hold it on me forever I ever had many friends that were trusting or loving they used me and hurt me that's way hurt me even more not having friends who stood up for me or helped me through this especially when I needed someone the most to listen to me or o me when I needed them I wanted someone who would listen to me and everything but one did no one helped me at all I felt so alone and unwanted was I bad person? Was I not cool enough to be around ? Or popular enough to have someone help me out? That always mad me so mad and frustrated because I was a good person I helped others but they didn't help me at all so why even bother I thought why even care about anything or even anyone I hated myself who I was and how I looked I was so angry at self and how unappreciated I was and how I felt really unattractive and ugly no guy wanted me or even wanted to talk to me or anything that hurt so bad honesty I questioned who I was attracted to or figuring out who I was during this time I didn't know what I was honestly I felt so confused and sacred because I didn't want anyone to know that I might have been attracted to women so I thought I was worthless and kept trying to hide keep secret for so many years it was hard process because everyone used to think I was gay or whatever they thought it still hurt me beyond words I felt so lost and sad and everything else I was so depressed and physically sick during this time I didn't want to leave my home or my bed because I felt so numb my body was like jello it didn't want to move at all and I also felt food was my comfort level of hiding my emotions and pain but I sadly was mistaken I was so outraged and out of control I didn't know why to do about anything I felt so angry at my self for letting myself get to that point of my life I had no idea what was happening with me honesty I was a mess completely a mess I felt so sad and alone at this point I didn't know how to process anything or even feel like asking for help because I felt shameful and felt like no one cared about me what I was going through at this time I had so I tried therapy for a while during this time thought that would help it did for while but honesty it didn't help at all during this time again I felt so horrible and sick about myself so I just wanted to give up on self and I did I was so out shape and and felt nothing at all why did I do this to me ? Why didn't I do anything about it ? I thought