PANICKING

Through hard times and bittersweet memories (radioapple)

TW: Self harm... Did I forget to mention angst in my author's note? Anyways, schizophrenic, cynophobic, somniphobic, depressed, OOC and haphephobic Alastor. Use of drugs/pill overdosing, mentions of sexual assult, mentions of abuse, abuse, OCD, Radioapple, Valentino, Vox, graphic depictions of violence and/or death, beating, mentions of PTSD, attempted suicide, vomiting, mentions of eating and sleeping disorders, panic attacks  tell me if I missed anything :)

(If y'all gotta look these up you ain't a true Alastor fan)

And, if anyone needs to talk, I'm a great listener and here to help! You aren't alone, I assure you!

Alastor cut a deep gash through his wrist. That one is for forgetting to make breakfast this morning. He cut another one. That one is for losing his temper with Angel Dust over being called 'Bambi.' He takes the knife in absolute rage and cuts a third gash, just below the second. This one is deepest, and he has to surpress a cry of pain.

That one, he reflects, is for growing soft. And he cuts a final, fourth one, careful that it won't show on his wrist. That last one... Is for cutting himself. Pitiful.

Shaking, he grabs some bandaids out of his nightstand drawer and wraps them in thick layers around his wrist. It hurts like hell, and he deserves it.

When he's finished, he goes to his batheoom and cleans off the knife. He watches as the water glistens down it and reflects the light off its surface.

Letting out a long sigh, he puts all the bandaids and any other suspicious material away.

He's about to exit his room, he has the door open an inch, and then he remembers he forgot to take his schizophrenia pills. He pulls away from the door slightly, but a hand grabs him by the bad wrist, he suppresses a wince, and pulls him out of his room.

"What is it?" He asks, his annoyance clear in his voice.

Vaggie taps her foot on the ground, her arms crossed. "It's your turn to buy groceries."

Of course. Alastor should cut himself again for forgetting about that-- He shakes his head. Why must he think this way?

"Why of course, dear! I'll get right to it!"

Vaggie rolls her eyes. "You better!"

Alastor sighs when she's left. Using what little motivation he has left, he goes out to the streets and walks towards the grocery store.

He pays no notice to anything around him, trying hard to keep up his façade and get his job done.

He holds back a gutteral scream as he hears barking. He tries desperately to avoid trembling, pinning his ears, running away, freezing in place, dropping his smile and having a panic attack.

Just avoid it... It'll be okay, just avoid it. He forces his legs to move, each step agonizing.

When he thinks he's safe, he lets out a sigh of relief, and then goes completely rigid.

He trembles, his ears pin against his head and everything slows down. He can feel his heart pounding faster and faster. He takes short breaths, and even though he's trying to force them to be normal, he finds he is hyperventilating.

He holds back a scream as he feels the grip around his wrist tighten further. 'Please... No... Not now... What... Where am I?... Another... I need to get... Run...' His thoughts are completely incoherent, he can't find it in himself to think logically. He can only feel the sharp canines digging into his wrist as the dog latches onto him.

He lets out a terrified scream without knowing it. He can hardly hear the outside world at this point.

In a panicking frenzy, he grabs the dog's neck with his free hand and squeezes hard. Squeezes until the neck breaks. Squeezes until he hears the dog's breathing stop, squeezes until he feels the head pop off of the body. And he can't control himself.