Coriolanus Snow could rationalize everything in his life, except for his feelings for Liville.
His emotions for her came unexpectedly, and dramatically. He couldn't rationalize them away, even though they didn't make sense to him. Becoming involved with any girl wouldn't make sense right now, but especially not a girl who was betrothed. Betrothed to Sejanus Plinth of all people. Because now was the time in his life he needed to focus on school and his apprenticeship with Gaul as much as possible, yet he was spending his nights thinking about her.
Liville Wanless.
Coriolanus had always assumed romance was a choice. Now, he knew it wasn't. He'd never willingly care about a girl who swore to belong to another. Yet, he did. There was no option of refusal, once he realized he had feelings for her, they didn't go away. Feelings like this, they'd never be a choice. Because he never even knew you could be this enamored over someone until he already was.
He didn't just think of her every night, he thought of her in the mornings too. He'd think of her smile specifically. He very much liked her smile. Not because of the beauty of it, even though she was very beautiful to him when she wore a smile, but because he liked it when she'd be so outwardly pleased to see him.
She was a very beautiful girl. And for a while, he tried to tell himself that's why she captivated his thoughts. Because he was a teenage boy, and it was common for teenage boys to be distracted by pretty girls. Especially pretty girls that let him kiss them in the way Liville had last night.
But after last night, he couldn't just...pretend this was all some bodily feeling. Last summer, he'd gone farther with a girl. Not too much farther, but still enough for him to be sure he knew what true lust was. Him and that girl had made out heavier. The girl had taken her shirt off, and let Coriolanus lay on top of her and kiss her naked breasts, something his teenage hormones couldn't refuse. She had touched him very provocatively over his clothing, and she'd made it obvious that she was willing to do more, not that Coriolanus would do so with a girl he already guessed to be a gossip.
He thought of that girl only a short amount of times since then. But he wouldn't think of her, rather just the actions they'd done. It'd always be at night, when the hormones in his body would tease him with lustful urges that sent him thinking back to that encounter.
But again, things with Liville were different. Completely.
Things had been innocent compared to his other experience, yet, he could hardly sleep that night. The night after leaving the alleyway. He swore he could still smell Liville on his clothes.
Lustfulness didn't even begin to explain how his body ached the whole night, waking up in a cold sweat every few hours.
Liville would certainly lose her mind if she had any idea what thoughts he had about her that night.
Coriolanus was a Capitol man. He was raised to be respectful, and to not fall into the lustful habits of degenerates, who spent unnecessary hours imagining women in lewd scenarios.
...But Liville made his mind wander. Wander and wander and wander. Pushing him to the brink of insanity with how badly he craved more of her.
Yet, he wasn't just caught up in sexual fantasies. He found himself constantly fantasizing about a future of domesticity and marriage. A future where he did convince Liville to break off her betrothal. A future where he married her, bought a penthouse for her, came home to her everyday. A future where he was rich, and bought anything she wanted. All she had to do was breathe a word of interest over something, and she would have it.
He could confess any grievances in his future job to her, because he knew she'd listen. He could ask for advice from her, because he trusted her brain and whatever it came up with.
