Meant To Be | Lee Felix

lee felix | part 2

PRESENT DAY

I sigh and roll over on my back dropping my dairy beside me.

That was the worst and the best entry I ever wrote.
It's crazy how I used to write my entries in a present continuous manner.
I will never forgive myself for writing that way because it stings deep down in my gut whenever I reread them; makes me feel am living those moments again.

Surely I'd love to see Lee Felix From Goddamn Stray Kids walking into our school as a newbie again and feel the rush of feelings again but it's so pathetic and ashamed to think of how excited I was back then.

However, it was just a natural K-pop addict behaviour.

Who wouldn't jump around and choke themselves out of their own screams if a member of your favourite band joined your school? Sounds so unreal right?

It did. It still does. I have read quite a few fanfics about studying in the same school blah-blah but never in my delusional world had I imagined this would be real.

It is not that real after all though. And it's not a good coincidence at all.

Instead- That Kid has fucked up our lives in every way possible.

I feel so sorry for my past self, who had got her hopes high.
I still remember how brightly That Kid stood on the podium.

Our auditorium lights were dim, but his attractive sparkling voice was unmistakable from far away.
His husky voice brought colour to my cheeks when he gave the introductory speech.

From watching him on screen to seeing him every day right across from me and sharing a small part of his life, my heart broke.

Yes. My heart broke. Why? Because even though I share, I am never in it. I could never get as close to him as I could on screen.

It was nothing like how I imagined it'd be. My love for my idol was so raw when he didn't exist beside me. I thought I'd go crazy over him now that he studies here- but no. It happened quite the opposite.

I def did go crazy over him but it hurt more as I couldn't do anything. I sit there every day, with my worthless admiration knowing that I can never express it in any way even though he's just right beside me. Why?

Because That Kid himself never allows to. Or you could say- They don't allow it overall. They here means JYP. The whole staff, security and rules, regulations. One word outside the topic to Lee Felix- and you're dead.
Teachers are the ones who get to talk to him the most.
A few other luckyass classmates got to exchange lil formal talks with him since they were on a group project once.
He attends classes in a quarantined manner pretending none of us exist and then leaves the school as though he never entered.
Every time you try to steal a glance towards the angel, the black-suited jerks give you side eyes from miles away.

Yes, we haven't even greeted yet. I wonder if he knows I exist even though am right there.

Probably doesn't.
See, it makes no difference at all. Instead, it feels like words and actions suffocate inside you.

Just like parallel lines- so near but never intersect.

And that is why I no longer feel excited looking at That Kid because I know the agitation will bring nothing but more dreadful longing than ever before.

The longing to just sit next to him the whole day.
Maybe there's no need to even talk. I could run my eyes across his freckles a million times and never get bored. Just to watch him so close by without hesitation.

To be the reason for his smile for real. To hear that laugh echo in my ears. Oh, to be a part of him.

SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW BITCH. This is what Lee Felix coming to Yonsei University, in my class, right across from me has done. Increased my delulu at its worst.

It used to be normal before when I knew I could never stand a chance with Felix. Now when he sits a few metres away from me- my heart aches because of the hopeless hope.

Bro, Felix- why Yonsei out of all things?!