Meant To Be | Lee Felix

unspoken shame | part 19

____Chae's POV____

My smile never disappears, not even when I enter the house and remove my shoes. I feel like I could compare a song and win a Grammy for it. I might as well be the happiest person on earth right now.

But then something snatches away the smile my Lix gave me in 3 seconds. 
Mom and Dad are sitting at the table.
Its Thursday. Dad isn't home if it isn't something dead serious.  
Mom is crying. She. is. sobbing. hard. 

The shattering of my heart echoes in my ears. My weak legs make way to them as she looks at me with eyes which make me regret my birth. The blood stops flowing to my head as my voice breaks out "What's wrong, amma?" 

It's not the cry of when she's tired or the usual; it's the one which kills me—the one which screams disappointment and disgrace. 
The one which reminds me that her life would've been so much better if I wasn't born at all. 
The one which makes me wanna erase myself from her memory. 
The one which makes me want to kill myself.

"Amma..." I can't help the tears building up in my chest which refuses to breathe. "What happened?" I get no reply instead just floods of tears. 
Dad slides his phone across the table towards me. 

It's a video. Not just any video. The video. 
The video of my destruction. 

I turn it off as soon as it reaches the part where they chant to undress me. 
Should I be glad or not? Because I had assumed they got to know something worse. 

"This..." I can't find my words. 
"Why didn't you tell us?" Dad speaks up first. 
"Well, what could I have said, Dad? Those people bullied me because I'm Felix's prom partner? It wasn't my choice to be treated like a joke! I didn't ask for any of this! I thought it was a dream come true, something special. But instead, it's become a nightmare, and you're just piling on more hurt!" 

They listen to me carefully. Mom's crying lessens. I can't read her expression. It's not about Dad; it's about her. My mom. My life.
At least I think so. 

"We are piling hurt? WE?!" Mom interrupts Dad.
This is it, her voice says it all. She hates me at this point. And the fact is scratching my soul with blades right now.

"We're your parents, Chae! And you say we are hurting you... how ungrateful... If there's anyone who's piling hurt on you, it's yourself- Park Chae-ryo." 

I shake my head. There isn't a single word am able to understand. "How-"
"By getting involved in this bull shit. You are not hurting yourself, but us too, dear." Dad is trying to sound empathetic but is failing. I can see it in those eyes. 

I shudder- "Involved in what- I don't get it...." I must not cry. I must not. 

"Entire useless prom thing with this Felix guy! What is the need to-" 
"Useless?! My interests are useless to you?!" I now look into mom's eyes. And I can't believe what am seeing. 

"I love going to proms. I- chose Felix because it is my choice. He chose me-" 
"WELL, THEN HE'S A ABSOLUTE COWARD," Am thrown back for Mom's rage. "HE IS A COWARD- YOU ARE A COWARD... you don't get- he is using you for his entertainment- He is an idol of what... some Stray Kids, isn't he?" 

Why does she have to be so rude right now? Doesn't she realise it's tearing me apart? 
"When this happened... this-!" She shoves at the mobile talking about the video, "Was he there?" 
"No," My voice is weak and full of tears. 

"Then where was he?! WHERE WAS YOUR IDOL WHEN YOU ALMOST GOT STRIPPED IN FRONT OF 6 PEOPLE?!" Her banging on the table matches the pounding in my chest. 

"It wasn't his fault.. he- had work.. he..." 
"Are you saying to yourself or us, Chae?" Dad knows he hit the nerve. 

Am I saying this to myself? Am I?! I know it wasn't his fault, right? Don't I? He loves me. He wouldn't be the cause of this. He would kill every one of 'em if he were present.
He would've, right?

"You are ruining your life, Chae. Look what you got yourself into! This isn't a game. Do you really think he would've stood up for you if he were there, huh?" 

Yes, yes, yes, right?

"No. Never. He would never ruin his reputation and fame for a normal girl like you. He will forget you as soon as you are out of sight! He'll be out there, performing some silly concerts and singing for millions of other girls while your life falls apart. We'll have to pick up the pieces left of you then." 

So what? You are my parents, you are supposed to pick your child up when it falls, right?

"You are making me sound like a fool right now... HOW IS ANY OF THIS MY FAULT?! You think I don't care what happens to me?! You think am that blind in love?" Yes, I am. 

Mom slaps her head and sighs. Are my words even reaching their ears? "So you're in love now... ARE YOU GON' NUTS CHAE?!" 

"No, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO'S GON NUTS. I was hurt. You found out. You are supposed to comfort me and fight back- not blame me for it!" 

"And you are supposed to be the honour of your family. This video.... this thing- it's viral all over the internet. Neighbours are talking about you that you are mentally sick now and your life is sad- that you need help- you need attention" 

No way. Is this really them? Are these two humans in front of me my parents? 

"People are criticizing you! The taunts they gave us about not looking after our child-" 

Shut up. I cover my ears. 

"YOU WANT TO RUIN YOURSELF, FINE. BUT DON'T DRAG THIS FAMILY WITH YOU. Do you understand the consequences of what you've done? What if this spreads more and reaches our relatives- what a disgrace. Omo- Hwan's daughter is being bullied-- they'll say." 

I shut my eyes too. Why aren't they stopping?

"Why do you have to do something which hurts our expectations?! You are supposed to study, not do these silly things! Tomorrow you will go and apologize to these people and tell them to take down this video-" 

"MOM, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" Tears break down as my rage erupts. I wouldn't call it rage exactly. Hurt; yes. 
"I was bullied, they hurt me there. They... hit me. They said mean things to me... I AM HURT. But what do you see? Disgrace? Viral video? ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE WILL THINK OF YOUR PARENTING?!" 

Mom wants to argue, but Dad is holding her back. The tears burn on my cheeks, turning them colder. 
"Why do I always have to be your pride your happiness?! WHY CAN'T I BE JUST YOUR DAUGHTER FOR ONCE?!" 

Mom looks up at me. I want to believe I see some guilt in her eyes for my sanity. Dad raises from his seat to comfort me but I back away. 

Nothing they would do will now ever fix me.
My day is ruined. 

My parents are ashamed of me.