Too Far Gone // D. Dixon

chapter thirty-eight

As they reached a heavy metal door, Negan paused, turning to face Maren with an enigmatic smile, "Welcome to your new home, sweetheart," he said, his voice tinged with a mix of authority and curiosity. Maren twinged at the nickname.

Maren's eyes darted nervously around the room, her body tense with anticipation.

With a theatrical flair, Negan swung open the door, revealing a surprisingly spacious and well-furnished room. The sight momentarily caught Maren off guard, as she had expected something far less comfortable. The room had a cozy bed, a small desk, and even a few personal items that hinted at a sense of normalcy in this apocalyptic world.

Negan gestured toward the room, his eyes fixed on Maren's reaction, "This is where you'll be staying. It isn't the Four Seasons, but I'm sure you know it's better than most places out there." His words held a touch of genuine concern, he wanted Maren to feel some semblance of safety within the Sanctuary's walls.

Maren's weariness began to wane slightly as she cautiously stepped into the room, her eyes never leaving Negan's figure in the doorway. As Maren glanced back at him, she found Negan studying her intently, his expression unreadable.

"Look, I've got some business to attend to," he finally spoke, breaking the silence, "I'll leave you be for a few hours. Take this time to settle in, get comfortable. No one's gonna bother you unless you ask for it."

With those words, Negan quietly closed the door, leaving Maren alone in her new surroundings. She stood motionless for a moment, her mind racing with conflicting emotions. Part of her couldn't help but wonder if this place was truly safe for her. She knew that those people would be talking about her and her group...and all the things they did and the people they killed. She was almost certain that someone would want her dead for that, call it retribution. And so, she watched the door closely, waiting and worrying for who might enter.

As time passed, Maren cautiously explored her surroundings, gradually allowing herself to relax.

That was when she had heard a knock at the door, a signature pattern that only Negan used, "I just wanted to come by, see how you were settling in." He looked around, seeing her in nearly the same spot he'd left her. But he noticed she had a kitchen knife in her hand.

"You expecting company?" Maren didn't respond, but lowered the knife at the sight of him.

He carefully moved to sit beside of her on the couch, watching her as she watches him. It was as if they were just observing a chess game; waiting to see who makes what move and how they should calculate their next one. It just felt odd.

"I promised you that we'd talk," Negan started, "So let's talk."

Maren took a deep breath, "About what?"

Negan nearly laughed at that, "Are you kidding? We've been separated for almost two fucking years, Maren. I know damn well it hasn't exactly been sunshine and rainbows out there."

Maren sighed, sitting back more comfortably on the couch. The more she thought about it, the more she realized just how much she'd been through. And it was a lot.

"I don't even know where to start..." Negan watched her, he noticed how she kept herself so closed off, something he wasn't used to her doing. She seemed so tense, and he hadn't yet forgotten about the way she'd flinched from him in that RV. 

"The beginning is a good place to start." He spoke softly to her, leaning back. Maren sighed, thinking of those first few days.

"Class was cancelled that day, too many teachers had called out with a fever...so my roommate and I decided to just stay in the dorm..." Maren explained, "I think that might be the very thing that kept us alive. Because we stayed inside, we weren't out there when it all went down. Instead, we got a front row seat to the shit show outside."

Negan was listening intently, keen on filling in her timeline, "God, I remember the screams..." Maren's face grew sour, "At first we thought it was just some campus protest rally gone wrong but the people on the news were showing the same shit about a virus...I knew that it wasn't just Georgia. It was all over the fucking world."

She continued, "Emma and I decided to stay there for a while, just planned to stay in our dorm until somebody came and got us. I was...well, I was waiting for you."

Negan looked down, his face upset, "Maren, I'm sorry..."

"I was just pissed..." Maren started, "I just needed someone to blame for it all. I know it's a hell of a lot to ask of someone to drive through several states during the fucking apocalypse, I realize that. I do. But still...I just thought that maybe..."

Negan went to grab her hand but she was startled, once again flinching away from him. He hated that was a trend, but he discounted it as a side effect of being away from him for a while. It would take time for her to trust him again.

"If I could go back, I would have come for you."

Maren looked at him with a sad smile, "You had Mom to take care of..." Maren spoke, and he looked confused, "I know you were with her for a while."

Negan looked confused, "How do you...?"

Maren answered, "Daryl and I...we went back home. I found her...Mom. She was a walker. I knew when I found the medicine in the fridge that you-"

Negan stopped her in her tracks, "You went back there? Why?"

Maren stared, "Why? I had to know. I had to know if you were still alive, or if...if you were dead. But, why didn't you put her down?"

Negan gulped, sorrow overtaking his features, "I don't know...I just couldn't." He looked at her, a sudden realization hitting him, "Did you...?"

Maren only nodded, feeling a sob catching in her ribs. Negan held onto her again, feeling her shuttering sobs racking against his frame as she cried. He felt a piece of his heart break. Knowing that he hadn't been strong enough for Lucille, and he had allowed his daughter to be the one to do it. If there was one thing he felt, it was insurmountable guilt.

"I should have been the one to do that," he spoke softly, holding her, "It shouldn't have been you." Maren moved away, her eyes as red as ever.

Negan turned to face his daughter once again, his voice softer than usual, "I know you're still scared, scared of me. After the night you had, I'm sure you've been processing the shit I did..."

Maren's eyes flicked up, truly meeting Negan's intense gaze for the first time since the line up. The vulnerability etched on her face was palpable.

"If you're asking for my forgiveness..." Maren started, moving away at the notion.

"No..." Negan spoke, "I just want a do-over. I just want my daughter back."