Too Far Gone // D. Dixon

chapter thirty-nine

Falling asleep after that conversation had been absolutely exhausting. She had never felt so drained in all her life.

The obligation she felt to forgive Negan was weighing heavy in her chest, but she still couldn't bring herself to do that. Glenn and Abraham had meant so much more to her than that. She couldn't let it slide like that.

She tossed and turned all night, thinking of the day she'd had. She couldn't get the images of Glenn and Abraham dying out of her head. It was playing in her head on an endless loop that she just couldn't escape from.

Looking at her side table clock, it read 5:57am. Sighing, she decided to get an early start to her day. She got in the shower, and practically forced herself to get ready for the day. Looking in the mirror, she smiled...or at least tried to. As she stood before the mirror, she couldn't muster the energy to put on a convincing facade. Everytime she smiled, she was reminded of just how much force it actually took for her to smile. She finally gave up.

Walking to the doorknob, she stood there. Did she actually want to leave this room? Not really. But she knew she couldn't keep herself locked in here forever. She'd have to come out at some point. The sooner, the better.

With a heavy sigh, Maren finally mustered the courage to leave her room, knowing she couldn't remain sequestered forever. As she stepped into the hallway, she quickly spotted her father, Negan, and the newly yet familiar sight of him brought a small flicker of comfort.

"Well, you're up bright and early," Negan remarked, his brow furrowing with concern as he took in her weary appearance, "Wasn't expecting to see you up for a few more hours." It was clear to him that Maren had not slept a wink the night before. The weight of her grief and the struggle to forgive were evident in the dark circles under her eyes and the forced smile that never quite reached them. He hadn't seen her like that, so tired and so drained. He couldn't help but feel like she was hiding something.

Maren attempted another smile, but Negan saw through the facade instantly. Lowering his voice, he asked, "You didn't sleep at all, did you?" Maren's silence was all the answer he needed. Negan, ever the pragmatist, offered a simple piece of advice, "Eat. It'll make you feel better."

Deciding to heed her father's counsel, Maren made her way to the cafeteria, assembling a plate of eggs and fruit. She could feel the curious gazes and hushed whispers of the other residents as she walked, but she did her best to ignore them. The unwanted attention only served to exacerbate her discomfort. She hated having all eyes on her, being the daughter of their ruthless leader had certainly threw her into a spotlight she had never wanted to be in.

Rejoining Negan, Maren noticed he was deep in conversation with Simon, discussing the details of an upcoming supply run. She listened in, but ultimately decided to involve herself. Maybe proving herself to his people would solidify herself as strong, not let them see her as weak. She couldn't allow that to happen ever again. It was the best way she knew how to protect herself.

"You going on a supply run?" she asked, taking a bite of her breakfast. Negan smiled at her, happy to see her eating. 

Simon turned to her with a warm smile, yet he still left her feeling somewhat weary of him, "Yeah, just getting the details worked out."

Maren's eyes flicked down to the map they had laid out, immediately recognizing the route they had marked, "Better not take 23," she interjected, her voice firm.

Negan and Simon exchanged a puzzled look, "Why's that?" Simon inquired.

Maren swallowed her food before responding, "23's a bit of a shit show. You should take Route 16 instead, it's clear for nearly 80 miles."

The two men regarded her with a newfound curiosity, "How'd you know that?" Negan asked, his eyes revealing a bit of pride and surpirse at the knowledge she seemed to have.

Maren couldn't help but laugh, "I've gone both ways." She paused, as if waiting for their reaction. Negan's eyes widened with alarm when he realized what she was smiling about. He knew what she wanted.

"I just got you back and now you want to go back out there? No fucking way, Maren-"