𝐂𝐑𝐘ᵃʳⁱᵃⁿᵃ ᵍʳᵃⁿᵈᵉ

sixteen

2 months ago

the woman on the chair across from me cleared her throat, crossed her legs. she looked very professional, with her hair pulled into a too tight bun and her skirt falling just below her knees.

"so, y/n. you told me that you struggled with substance abuse earlier in your life? can you tell me a little more about that?" she asked.

i can't remember her name right now, for some reason. i've seen her nearly a dozen times in the past two weeks, and i can't remember her name.

i nodded at her question, my eyes scanning the room for some sort of hint for her name. i finally landed on a plaque on the wall, a certificate for her education as a licensed therapist.

caroline thomas. yes, her name was caroline. i remember now.

"y/n?" caroline called for me, snapping my attention back to her.

"hm?" i hummed.

"could you tell me about that? we can save it for another day if you'd like?" caroline asked, furrowing her eyebrows comfortingly. i liked her.

i breathed in deeply, cupping my hands over my knees. i curled my toes in my fuzzy socks and slippers, feeling slightly uncomfortable under her stare.

"uh, yes. when i was a teenager, i was drinking a lot. my dad was abusive and i guess that's how i coped. but i stopped when i moved away from home. i could drink normally after that, like i never drank a lot like i did.

"then my ex-fiancée died a few years ago. after her funeral i was going to drink like i used to, but my current fiancée stopped me. snapped me out of it, you know? uh, then she broke up with me and i started drinking a lot again. every night i went out and got drunk. that was the first time i—"

i paused. i hated saying what i had done. i was so ashamed of myself and every time i uttered the word, i wanted to curl into a ball and never go outside ever again. i'd never forgive myself.

caroline gave me a small smile. "it's okay, y/n. you can say it. every time you say it, it gets easier."

i took another deep breath, digging my fingers into my knees. i nodded.

"i-i went to a party one night, a few months after we broke up. there was this guy there that i'd never met, and we were just smoking and drinking together for awhile. then he...he pulled out a little bag with...you know, white stuff in it. he did a line in front of me and then asked if i wanted to try it. i-i did. i tried it. i did a lot that night. i never saw him again after that, so i didn't do it again either. my friends helped me get better a week after that, and i was okay again.

"my fiancée and i got back together. we got engaged and she got pregnant. we had twins. aurora and jay. they're one now. i missed their birthday. and christmas. i missed a lot, i bet."

"y/n, you're spiraling. just slow down, collect your thoughts." caroline cut me off, her voice very gentle.

i nodded, swiping my hand across my face. "i'm sorry. i'm sorry."

"it's alright. continue when you're ready."

i nodded again, thinking back to where i left off.

"um. so we got back together, had our twins, and everything was going really good. my—my fiancée had a miscarriage a few years ago, which is why we broke up, but she never told me. she told me when we got back together, and i guess i never really processed it all?