risk | newtmas

♡ forty one, choked up

-'♡'-

Thomas felt like he couldn't breathe as he walked back to his room, his hands were shaking as he tried holding himself together, just until he got back into his room, just until he was alone.

How was he even suppose to explain to Newt how much he felt for the boy when he was unable to say the three dumb words -- they weren't even enough to put Thomas' feelings for the boy into perspective but it didn't matter they were the closest he was ever going to get.

Newt sat there and confessed his love to Thomas, and Thomas said there like a stupid idiot silently. He basically rejected the boy without even intending to.

There was a mixture of many things Thomas could try and blame it on, being in shock. To him, the confession was completely unexpected and almost felt as if he was in a dream -- which quickly turned into a nightmare.

Thomas could try to blame it on shock as much as he wanted but he knew deep down no matter what, no matter how much time he took to process it, he could stand in front of the boy and still fall completely speechless, the words would burn their way into his throat and stay there no matter how much he tried.

Thomas opened the door to his room, jumping back as he walked in on Brenda and Minho making out, he closed the door slightly, pushing apologies out pass his lips. He wanted nothing more then to bang his head into a brick wall right now.

"Bro!! What happened to knocking!!" Minho shouted, Thomas could hear Brenda's loud laughter, if it was any other day Thomas might've laughed along but he couldn't even bring himself to pretend.

"You can come in Tom!" Brenda shouted. Thomas sighed as he pushed the door open, seeing the two sitting next to each other. Thomas raised his eyebrow softly at the two as he sat down on his bed.

"So this went well" Thomas muttered, voice dripping in disinterest as he laid back in his bed, looking up at the ceiling

Minho furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Brenda before back at Thomas. "Yeah.. it did" He said, chewing at his lip. "Are you alright?" He asked.

"Fine" Thomas replied, but he was anything but fine, and it was overly obvious. Trying to lie was pointless when he put in less effort into trying to hide the fact that he was anything but fine.

"Weren't you just -- Oh" Minho muttered, as if a realisation dawned on him.

Thomas was slightly confused, and also slightly didn't have enough energy to care to work out that confusion. He really just wanted to cry, but Minho and Brenda sitting there kind of made that difficult since there was not a single thing Thomas hated more then crying in front of people.

"Bren do you wanna go get Teresa?" Minho said softly as he turned to face the short haired brunnette. Thomas was almost instantly grateful.

Brenda nodded quickly rushing over to leave the room. Minho looked at Thomas, "So didn't go well?" Minho asked, his voice was gentle and calm.

Thomas raised his eyebrow as he turned his head to face the boy. "Obviously fucking not" He muttered. It was rude and Thomas wanted to apologise as soon as his tone came out more passive aggressive then he intented, but Minho understood.

"Okay, Its okay. Teresa is coming. I am gonna go see him okay?" Minho explained, trying his best to comfort the boy, but Thomas was convinced nothing could make him feel better right now.

Unless he was magically able to say 'I love you' everything fucking sucked.

Thomas nodded nonetheless. Minho mirrored his actions with a soft sigh, standing up he left the room.

Thomas felt guilty for ruining the boys happy moment with Brenda with his sour mood. There was barley minutes before Teresa walked into the room, instantly sitting down on the edge of Thomas' bed.

"What happened Tom?" Teresa asked, her voice soft and caring as she looked at the brunnette boy. Thomas sat up, dragging his hand over his face as he tried to keep his emotions as intact as possible, but if there was anyone he was willing to cry in front of, it was Teresa.

"He said it, you were right. He said it and I sat there silently like a fucking idiot" Thomas said, the whole idea of keeping his emotions at bay completely disregarded the minute he started talking, his waterline grew wet and heavy with tears begging to fall.

"Oh Tom." Teresa said softly, sitting up straighter, rubbing her hand gently over the brunettes leg. She knew there was little she could say that would make this any easier for him, it was a completely shit situation and there was little that could change that, but Teresa would sit there and listen.

"Its like, I- I open my mouth" His voice cracked slightly as he held his hands up, talking with his hand movements, "and nothing comes out" He blinked and strays of tears fell from his eyes. "And everything is horrible"

He groaned slightly as he looked up, trying to stop the tears. Feeling silly about crying over it. He wiped his face before looking back at Teresa. "I want to say it, I feel it, I feel it so much it is consuming me, because its all I think about and I want to say it, I want to be able to say it like a fucking normal person" Thomas cursed as the tears he was trying to stop just kept falling.

"I know Tom. It's not your fault. Maybe if you explain it to him he will understand, its not your fault Thomas" Teresa said softly.

"I don't want to have to explain it- I just want to be able to say it, I want to go back to that moment and just fucking say it. I just- I can't" Thomas' voice broke slightly.

Teresa frowned gently as she watched the brunnette drag his hand over his face. Thomas felt an almost overwhelmingly crushing pressure on his chest.

"I feel it, so much. I just can't say those stupid fucking words"

"I know, tom, I know"

authors note
surgery tmr soo idk how much ill be updating im sorry pooks