An Angel's Vice

Chapter 27 - Unusual Hurricane pt. 1

A/N: Don't jump me, I've been super busy and barely have time to myself anymore. I want to give these updates just as much as you want to receive them, entonces be chill and wait. We're gonna calm things down just a lil bit these next two chapters. JUST A LIL.

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February 1st, 2009
Saturday, 5:00pm - Caballero Rivero, Woodlawn North, Miami

Next to a fresh bouquet of roses and sunflowers, on freshly damp grass that should be completely soaked within the hour from the storm that is said to take over Miami tonight, Lauren lies on her back on top of Aleesia's grave, venting and ranting and yearning for what she will never get back. At this point, she visits her more than she does her own parents. Aleesia provides a certain, specific level of comfort that she can't get when talking to them. And these days, Lauren often speaks of her new life with Candy and her thoughts, worries, hopes, and fears about having this child. Call her crazy, but it really does feel like Aleesia is listening—always. Her presence is always felt whenever she visits.

"You told me I have to start letting shit go. The day of your burial? When I saw you in our home before I said goodbye to everyone? That was your advice to me," Lauren switches topics and picks her head up just enough for a swig of Remy Martin straight from the bottle. She moves to set it back down next to the flowers but pours a small amount over the grave to share with Aleesia before continuing. "I think I'm finally doing that. I think when you experience as much loss as I have, letting go and being okay with losing things becomes second nature. It starts to bother you less and less. And eventually, before you know it, you're helping life take things away from you or trying to beat it to the punch. Maybe this isn't what you meant, but at least I'm not holding on to shit like before."

Lauren kicks up a knee and swings it side to side, holding her own hand over her belly—bloated from drinking so much today. She had other plans today, but her depression stormed in with opposing ones and forced her to give in to them instead. Nothing helps; her only real option was to obey the dark voices clouding her tortured mind.

"I'll see you soon. Hopefully. I don't think I've earned my spot in heaven where you are; I'm sure God has my express ticket to hell booked on a non-refundable charge. I've been alive for twenty years—long enough to know that that motherfucker hates me. If you see Him, though, put in a good word for me," she sighs and rubs her eye. She takes a pause before saying, "I don't know what I'm doing. Necesito tu consejo. Tu ere' mi luz, y yo 'toy...en la oscuridad ahora mismo. Every fucking day I think about killing myself. Every fucking day. Sometimes I wish Candy wasn't pregnant...I think I would've been done it already. And if I'm going to be extremely honest and share my darkest thought with you, I think it'd be okay if I went through with it anyway considering my kid most likely doesn't have a real shot at making it out alive. I'm just stalling to experience the inevitable: more fucking pain." (I need your advice. You are my light, and I am...in the dark right now.)

"But then I go see Candy, and we're together, and she kisses me, and I see that tiny bump, and I forget all about those plans she'll never know about. She makes it so easy to be delusional and indulge in my dreams. You know that," Lauren softly laughs and palms her face, recalling her senior year in high school with Aleesia, "you stayed calling me out on that shit. I don't know what it is about her. Is it because I love her, is it because I never actually get what I need from her, which makes it easier to dream more because dreaming is only reserved for the things you know you'll never have? I don't fucking know. Fuck it, I don't know," she drinks some more to nurse her wound of shameful ignorance. A world of tears comes rolling in like the storm clouds above. Lauren whispers brokenly, "Why do I always have to let go of the people that I love, Aleesia?"